Kneeling before Him...
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Monday, November 15, 2004
We had one of those defining moments while we were away. I guess that is what you would call it. It happened once again because Sarah stuffed up. Ok well maybe I didn't actually stuff up, but I could have, quite easily.
We were sitting in the bar one evening, we had eaten and been for our walk and stopped at the bar on our way back while still consumed with a glow. To be honest, I think the overly sexual nature of our holiday left us both glowing all the time, that and the fact that there was nothing at all bothering us. We were happy just to be.
So we were sitting in the bar and Mac was holding court, being loud and funny and attracting people from other tables to our own. He had quite a crowd. I was sitting next to Him feeding Him lines and generally encouraging Him the way that I do. Another guy joined us and at first I hardly noticed but he kept glancing at me. When he caught my eye he would smile. I felt a little paranoid and a little flattered. He made me feel very aware of myself and I blushed because I was reacting that way. He just kept smiling and I thought that he was arrogant to think that it was he making me blush. I tried to ignore him.
When I went to the bathroom and came back out, this new he had taken my chair. His name was Rob and he had made himself quite at home and he and Mac were getting along great. I wondered if time had warped while I was in the ladies as it did not seem that I had been long but Mac and Rob had become friends during that time.
Mac introduced me to Rob and Rob smiled a hello then went back to strengthening the friendship with Mac. I was stunned. Here was this man that had been flirting with me with his eyes, now getting on the good side of my boyfriend. I was being ignored. It was infuriating and guaranteed my attention. Every now and then Rob would throw a comment my way and I would snap it up like a starving dog. It didn't take long for Mac to work out what was going on. I saw it in His eyes. He said nothing at all. I put my hand on His thigh. He just let it sit.
Rob told us he had a boat and was taking a few people for a cruise around the island the next day. He asked Mac if we would like to come. I almost wanted Mac to say no, I was starting to feel outside my comfort zone with this man, but Mac looked at me and said that we would love to go. Rob told us where to be and what to bring and the time we should show up. We exchanged cell phone numbers, Rob's and mine because Mac's phone had been deliberately turned off, in case something was changed.
Rob stood and shook Mac's hand. Then he looked at me.
'See you tomorrow.' He said and he left. I felt relieved.
Mac was a little quieter after Rob had gone. I wondered how badly I had behaved. I tend to overdo the flirting when I am attracted to someone and afterwards I am always ashamed. I didn't know if I should apologise or not. It felt like I had almost, but not quite, done something wrong. I decided not to say anything about Rob.
We went back to our room and when I walked in the door I wanted Mac to grab me and force me to my knees. I wanted Him to slap me and tell me that I belong to Him and mark me with His semen. I wanted Him to take possession of me. Instead, He kissed me softly. He laid me on the bed and He made the softest and gentlest love to me. He made me come so many times that I was a shivering wreck in His arms. Then He emptied Himself inside of me. He lay beside me, stroking my hair when we were through.
'Baby,' I whispered, feeling ashamed and scared, 'we don't have to go on this boat tomorrow. I would rather just spend the day with you'
Mac smiled. 'Sarah, I wont let you use us to hide from things you feel. You have to see where it takes you. And I don't want you masturbating to the memory of this guy for months to come. You need to know if he is or isn't the one. Now hush and go to sleep.
I opened my mouth to argue with Him, but He put His fingers over my mouth and hushed me again. He kissed my eyes closed.
I didn't fall asleep for the longest time. I was thinking of Mac and of the last two years and the last few months and how He was probably right. I think I would have created Rob into some sort of mega alpha male in my mind. I think on the nights when Mac didn't make it home I would have wondered. I probably would have used Rob to masturbate.
The 'boat' was gorgeous. I was stunned by its size and its elegance. The people on board were fun, but a tad vacant, if you know what I mean. They were all pretty people and they all oozed money, but they seemed a little fried, too much time doing nothing with their brains. We both had a really good time. Mac flirted His little heart out, wooing all the older women with His charm and wit and making the younger ones wet with His crudity. He had them all eating out of His hand, the way that He does. He was so easily Himself.
I spent my time with Rob. He gave me almost all of his attention. He ignored me just enough to keep me interested and he played the game so well I was constantly stunned by him. It was a gentle touch on the arm, an accidental brush against my breast, the odd inappropriate comment whispered wickedly in my ear and possibly, a touch too much champagne. I will not blame the alcohol though. I knew what I was doing. I knew what was going on. I let it all happen.
There were a few times I turned to Mac, went to Him and hid my face in His shoulder. He would stroke my hair and kiss my cheek and send me on my way to have fun. I was confused. I needed Him to own me. I needed to belong to Him. I needed Him to take control. I didn't want Rob. I wanted Mac, but He stayed passive to it all.
As the afternoon wore on my head grew even fuzzier from the alcohol and the sunshine and I started to feel a little ill. I switched to water. Rob noticed immediately and asked if I needed to lie down. I told him that I was fine on deck, I needed the fresh air and to be able to see the shore.
'Oh,' he said and chuckled. 'I meant would you like to lie down with me.'
I blushed, suddenly feeling like a naive little girl. He kissed my cheek.
'You are very pretty when you blush.' He said.
I looked around for Mac but couldn't find Him. I had no clue what to do or what to say so I just stood there looking lost.
Rob smiled at my discomfort and then asked if I would at least like to see the rest of the boat. I had seen nothing of it on the inside but I looked at Rob doubtfully and looked for Mac again. Rob promised me he would 'behave as a gentleman should' and I already felt like I was acting childishly silly so I agreed.
This boat just blew me away. It was absolutely gorgeous. It was full of little luxuries in unexpected places. It was like being in a gorgeous little house, only it was afloat. Rob started his sell from the moment we walked inside and continued all the way through, showing me everything that his little toy could do. I was simply in awe of it all.
I will admit that Mac and I live a very comfortable lifestyle. There is always enough money to do the things we want to do but this was so far in excess of anything I have ever known, I was scared to touch anything. The outfitting of one room was probably worth more than our house. It was frightening to see it that way.
Rob was really selling it up big, the luxury, the parties, the people that he knows and places he goes and how he does it all on no more than a few weeks of work a year. He leaves the running of his business to those that know how. He lets them make the money for him.
He offered me a share in it, at least for a while. He said he would like it if I chose to stay around with him. I found it funny and started to laugh but he didn't see a joke in it. I pointed out that I hardly knew him. We had only really just met and he said he wasn't proposing marriage. We could just see where it led and have fun while we were working it out. I asked him how long had his last playmate stayed aboard and he said just over three months, but he wanted someone around that had a brain. He thought I would be around longer than that. I still saw it as funny, me, Sarah, the girl that needs so much love and affection being asked to be nothing but a whore.
Don't get me wrong, the price was tempting, he had a lot to offer the right girl. It just wasn't me. I just could not imagine me surviving on parties and sex. Without the love there just seems so little point.
Rob put his hands on my arms and made me look at him as he made his final pitch, and by now I saw the sell for what it was and was turned off by it all. I was embarrassed and my brain was working overtime on how to get my point across without creating any offence. I will always avoid confrontation if I can. It struck me that we were alone and that realisation frightened me. I wondered how far away everyone, Mac, was.
Then Rob's mouth was coming towards mine. I put my hands on his chest and I said the first word that came to mind. I thought it would be no but instead I said 'Mac'. Rob stopped and looked at me.
And in a perfect Hollywood moment as I stood there looking into another man's eyes, my hands on his chest, his hands on my arms, a group of people walked into the room, including Mac. He had not been that far away at all. He looked at me and looked at Rob and I knew how it must have seemed. I pushed Rob away and stepped back, which somehow just made it that much worse. I looked as guilty as sin and I knew it. I wanted to tell Mac that nothing had happened, that nothing was going to happen but all these people were in the way and they were all just staring at me. I stood there not knowing what to do. I just looked at Mac.
Mac never said a word, just motioned with His head that I should follow Him and turned and walked away. He didn't look back to see if I had, just walked straight out of the room. I followed because it was what I wanted to do. He didn't stop until we were back on deck, at the railing, standing apart from everyone. For the moment we were alone.
Immediately I started to babble about what had happened but Mac hushed me and took me in His arms.
'It doesn't matter.' He said. 'All that matters is that you are here now.'
I babbled some more anyway. He held onto me and let me get it all out. I told Him that I had tried to come to Him but each time He had sent me back to Rob. He moved back just a little so that I could see His frown.
'I didn't send you back to Rob. I told you to have fun. You chose where the fun would be.'
And I realised just how stupid I had been. Mac didn't agree. He said that Rob had all the attributes I am attracted to and He feels that I can't help but follow a lead like that. I think that it is no excuse. I mumbled something about wanting Mac to show Rob that He owned me, wanting Him to tell Rob that he can't have me and Mac smiled at me.
'Sarah, I just did. The last thing I need to do is force you to be mine. If I ever need to do that, you won't be. I told you to follow and without a word, you did.'
'You didn't have to tell me, I would have followed you anyway.' I said.
'I know.' He said. 'But I wanted Rob to know that you were following, not chasing. That was for him to see. I don't need to hurt you or humiliate you and make you do what you are told. You obey because it is what you want to do. I have let you see where this would go and it has gone far enough. This is where it stops. Ok?'
'Yes Baby.' I said and I felt relief, this time at gaining permission to let it go. I didn't want to be with Rob. My place is with Mac and although I didn't need to hide there, it felt so good to be back.
Mac kissed me, long and slowly. I held Him as tightly as He held onto me and kissed Him back. That is how Rob found us, wrapped around each other, loving softly and gently, the way that love should be. Rob apologised, but Mac just shrugged it off.
'I don't blame you for trying, but Sarah knows where she belongs.' He said. I felt His pride in me.
Rob looked at me and I smiled tentatively at him. I didn't want him to be angry with me and he didn't seem to be. I am not sure though, sometimes things look different from inside my Male's arms. As I looked at him I realised that what had attracted me to him the most was not the man himself, but the obvious lust he felt for me. Being so desired is a powerful thing and it is easy to get carried away. Mac always tells me that there is a fine line between wanting someone to want you and wanting them yourself. It is a line I often forget is there. Rob made an excuse and walked away and Mac kissed me again.
'You are mine.' He said.
We spent the rest of the evening being that team again, the one that feeds each other lines and encourages the other to be loud and enjoy and it was so good to be a part of us again, even though I had never stopped being part. Perhaps sometimes we are meant to take a baby step outside of what we have, so that we can appreciate what is within.
When we got back to the room Mac made gentle love to me again. I begged Him to use me, to hurt me and bite me but He said that it just wasn't in Him. All He felt was love for me. I began to weep because I felt as though I didn't deserve it. He kissed away my tears and told me that nothing could ever make Him stop loving me and as far as He was concerned all I had done was be myself and He will always love me for being me.
And Mac and I are fine. Well, better than fine. I think we are closer and more in love than before (if that is possible). Like I said, I think sometimes we are meant to step outside, just for the tiniest of moments so that we can hold onto what is inside of us.
I would like to say that Rob has never been mentioned again between us, but there was another part that he played even though we have not seen him or heard from him since we were on the boat. I had another defining moment the next day but I think I have rambled long enough for today.
That story will have to wait.