Kneeling before Him...
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Wednesday, December 15, 2004
The holiday season has smacked me upside the head in full force these last few days and I can't see it getting any better over the next few weeks. I thought I would see out another week of posting every day before I made this little announcement but even as I type this today, I have other things I should be doing. This is going to put me behind before I start. So unfortunately my blogging for the year at the very least has to slow right down, if not stop altogether for a while. I will try and be back with a Christmas wish, but I wouldn't count on me being here everyday.
I will be back next year and it will be interesting to see how things have or have not changed. Right now Mac and I are not communicating very effectively. It is hard to guess how the other person is reacting when they are half a world away. I have a tendency to colour my days depending on His smile or His frown. I know many of you will say that is not good for me and puts a lot of pressure on Him and you are probably right, but that is the way we chose to live and it has worked for us for a long time. Right now when we can go for days without speaking, I find my days are very up in the air. I know that He is doing the best He can. And as I told Him last week, so am I.
Unfortunately it is impossible for me to turn off my submission when it gets too busy for Him at work. I cannot stop wanting to please Him. I cannot stop wanting to be His pleasure. I cannot stop needing Him or being His girl. I have to stay wrapped up in us if I want to be the safe, soft, gentle girl He loves. When I am unable to submit, I become a spiteful little bitch. I am angry at the world because I have to watch over it myself and I have to hide my submission behind a wall of independence because without His strength to balance it, it is too much of a weakness that people can take advantage of. I cannot let myself be wrapped up in us because it leaves me open to hurt and He cannot heal me.
Mac cannot change who He is and what He does. As much as it frustrates me, it is one of the things I love about Him. He cannot be here, so I have to stop being so much in need of His attention. I need to find a comfortable place with what He is able to give me and when I find it, I need to stay inside of it. My bubble of protectiveness cannot come down, at least until after New Year. Then, with any luck, we will be ready to face whatever it is that happens next.
Please do not think that I love Him any less because of this. The truth is, I love Him enough to do this for us. If I didn't I would allow myself to fall apart.
It hurts that much.