Kneeling before Him...
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Wednesday, December 01, 2004
My moods are swinging wildly. I have very little control over them. I slip from one extreme to the other and it has been a long time since it was this bad. I want to be touched, please go away and don't invade my space, I want to hurt but if you hurt me I will break right down and cry. Treat me gently but for god sake treat me rough. I am so fragile but I am so tough. I will whimper and I will bite.
Mac is ignoring the swings and waltzing through any defences I put in His way. I growl at Him or pout at Him and He just bites my lip. I cry at Him and He just wipes the tears away. I scream at Him and He smacks me gently in the mouth. He says it may not be what I ask for, but He will give me what I need and it leaves me open to Him, accepting and ready to please.
I don't want to fight Him and I don't want to block Him, perhaps that is why my defences are so weak. I have never felt so submissive, so feminine and I want to immerse myself in it, the absolute softness and gentleness of it. But it is scary to be so very vulnerable, open to every little thing, so I try even weakly to shut Him off. He isn't putting up with it. Right now, as far as He is concerned, this girl is completely His.
He feels no guilt at taking everything I have to offer. He knows He is not taking advantage of me but allowing me to be me. He is enjoying the softness and beauty of the girl kneeling beside Him and not ordering or demanding, just accepting what I want to give.
I keep waiting for Him to tire of it as I have waited now for over two years. When I whispered to the darkness of this greatest of fears, He caressed my face and kissed my eyes and said that He wanted more. As much love as I have to give for as long as I have to give it, He would take it all. When He first took me as His He had not been sure that He could handle such intensity, but He now knew it was the right way for Him to be loved.
And when He started to make love to me a fantasy spilled from my lips, designed specifically to tease Him and make Him come. After a moment of surprise and confusion, He gave in and let me take the lead (though He still chose the direction) until the semen spilled from Him. I lay there smirking so very proudly.
'Witch' He said and we both grinned.
So this little witch is trying very hard not to hold on to her fears and let herself be me.
After all, I am the one He loves.