Kneeling before Him...
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Friday, December 10, 2004
So what is it that I want? No, perhaps not want. More like what is it that I seem to need? I know the thoughts that are careening around my brain. I have lived with them for many years. I know that I am acting like a spoilt child that didn't get her way. I know that I am stamping my foot and holding my breath while my lips form a pout. I know what I want, give it to me now!
So what are the thoughts that make the fire grow cold and turns my stubbornness to jelly? What is it that fills me with the calm I need to feel? I am sure you have heard it all before, but I will say it again because it's Friday, He must come home soon, and this is what I need.
Strip me naked so that I cannot use my clothes to hide behind. Slap my face until the tears start to burn, bring the anger to the surface so we can deal with what it brings. Push me to my knees and walk away, abandon me. I need for the meanness to froth over and spill. I need to feel the calmness over take it. I need to find my own way. And when I have battled it for long enough, order me to crawl to You. Humility is always something I need reminding of. I should be submissive and demure before You not a tantrum-throwing child on the prowl.
As I reach you pull me to my knees by my hair and slap my face again. Fuck my mouth and make me choke with my desperate need to please. I promise I will not fail You. Force me to accept Your semen as it spurts over my cheeks and tongue. Revel in me as it drips from my chin. Then walk away from me again. I need to be nothing for a while.
I know that You will be back when it is time and You will tell me that there is nothing more beautiful than your come-stained girl. You will hold me tightly and love me gently and You will claim me as Your own and the anger and the fear will be gone. I will belong to You again, bound tightly to Your soul and I will stop struggling, I will settle down and rest.
This isn't punishment for my bad behaviour. It isn't going to put me on the straight and narrow path. I will not be made beg and plead for forgiveness. I know if I wanted that, all I would have to do is ask. This is just getting past my defences, reminding me it is ok for me to be soft where You are hard. It is ok to rest because You watch the world for me and while You watch over me, nothing and no one would dare to bring me harm.
There have been times in the past where Mac and I have managed quite effectively to bring my submission back under His control over the phone, but that is very hard to achieve when our conversations consists of shouts of 'Hello, can you hear me?' and 'Sweetheart, there are twelve people about four feet away from me all watching and waiting for me to hang up.'
This time I will just have to hold on to it until He gets home.