These last few days I have been obsessed with the idea of a single cane stroke, right across the sweet spot where my ass becomes my thigh. It is an idea, a fantasy that sits constantly in the back of my mind. I want it hard and I want it fast, done with a cane so fine that it causes my blood to weep just below the skin. I want it to burn so hot that it wipes all the badness inside me away. I long for it. I tease myself with it. I toy with the idea of actually asking for it, but I do not want it from Mac. I want it from that imaginary Him. He is much crueller than Mac could ever be, colder, more detached and obviously me.

I recognise it for what it is, an escape, an excuse, another way injuring myself. It is no different to cutting myself and letting myself bleed.

I have no reason to want this right now. I am being thoroughly owned. Even when we are not together the connection between us is strong. I think I am still hanging on to some of the sadness and fear I felt while He was away. I don't know why, I have no reason too, except that Mac goes back to work today and I am a little afraid that we will fall down again. It is also possibly a touch of the post holiday blues.

I think it is good that I acknowledge what it is I am feeling and that way Mac and I can deal with it as it happens instead of allowing it to build up inside me and get out of control.

I know that He wants me to feel happy and secure.

I will get there. I have His love and support.

I don't have to do it on my own.