I have been concerned by the number of emails I am getting from women that go something along the lines of 'I have told him what he has to do, so why doesn't he dominate me?' Perhaps there is no need for me to be concerned, perhaps one of the many subsets of D/s relationships work this way, but if it is that way for you, do you really see it as that way for me? Do you really think I can help you have more control over your male? This is what bothers me.

Does it appear to others that I have this kind of control over Mac, that I am able to tell Him when and how to dominate me? Because if it does, then I am sorry, I never meant for it to come across that way. Mac said it very simply to me one day when we were discussing a decision He made that I did not agree with. He said, "You don't get to chose what issues you will and wont submit on. Either you submit or you don't." He is right. I don't get to say I will submit on this and not on that. I can't pick and chose. If I did, that is not submitting, that is just manipulation of the relationship to get the things I want.

This of course goes both ways. He doesn't get to choose when He will and wont dominate. If a tough decision needs making He can't just dilly dally over it and let it slide. He has to take the responsibility for it because if it goes wrong, then He knows where I will lay the blame. Is that fair of me? Of course it is, the person in charge always takes that responsibility, it goes with the job. He has the control, He makes the decisions, He accepts that responsibility. He wouldn't have it any other way and nor would I.

Taking that back to what I said above, there is no way I can tell Him what He should do in our relationship. Mac behaves how He wants to behave. Telling Him what I expect Him to do would almost guarantee a fast verbal smack in the mouth for me. A demand of 'dominate me' would get me ignored. When I demand anything, I am pretty much ignored. Demands don't get me far around here. In our house it is not 'I am woman hear me roar' so much as 'I am female, hear me whisper' because when I step back and be soft and gentle and loving, that is when Mac takes the most notice of me. If I gently say I am hurting, or sad or lonely, He is much more likely to go out of His way to make it right then if I fold my arms and scream for His attention, anyone would, and I am much more comfortable being allowed to tell Him how I feel without having to throw a tantrum so it works out quite well for us.

This doesn't mean that I am not allowed freedom within our relationship. I still run my own business, Mac doesn't interfere with my painting and He doesn't tell me what I can and cannot write here. He leaves these things up to me. The only time He gets involved is when I ask Him for help or if He feels I am doing something so wrong that He has to speak. Even then He will ask me for my reasoning before He makes a choice about if it is right or wrong. I am also free to go where I like when I like so long as I am sensible about my choices and don't endanger myself. I have a terrific amount of freedom with my sexuality. I am encouraged to fantasise. I am encouraged to explore. Mac knows that I am loyal to Him and won't do things that jeopardise us, so He has no need to keep a leash on me.

In our bedroom Mac still retains the overall control, just as He does on the rest of our relationship. Yes I get to be the dirty little slut I enjoy being and yes I get to come and come and come and yes I get it rough and yes I get it loving and it is full of passion and decadence and I love it completely, but our sex is not all about me. I do not go to our bed thinking 'YAY MAC IS HERE TO PLEASE ME!' I think 'GOD YES! I GET TO PLEASE HIM!' Mac often says that He is selfish even when He does the things I desire because He does them to enhance His own arousal. He treats me like a whore simply because it makes me come and that makes His orgasm more intense.

When I jerked Him over my belly the other night, some might think He got the better end of that deal because He came, but He would tell you that if you had only seen my smile, you would have known that it was me that was more pleased. Mac climbed into bed perfectly ready to go to sleep. He didn't ask me to make Him come. He wasn't even hard when I first touched Him and I have no doubt He could have just as happily moved my hands away and told me to go to sleep. He allowed it because I wanted it, because I was being so loving and soft and gentle and I wanted to give this to Him. He knew that, and wanted me to have it and instead of being my gift to Him, His orgasm became a gift for me.

If you only want to submit in the bedroom but not in the rest of the relationship then I am afraid that I cannot be much help. We don't separate the two, who we are in the bedroom is who we are out of it. It is not a sexual role we slip in to. There are a lot of other people out there, sexual submissives that will have a better understanding of what it is you are looking for, but even then, I doubt that they will tell you that you should tell your significant other what he should be doing to dominate you. If you really want to be dominated, you have to stop trying to be in control otherwise he is just submitting to what you want.

And that just defeats the purpose, doesn't it?