Kneeling before Him...
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Friday, February 11, 2005
It's Friday. Whew. It feels like it has been a long week. I have felt very much on an emotional roller coaster. I have had a few unexpected blows from family as well as here. Mac has made me feel very loved in spite of all that has gone on. Or maybe it is because of everything that has gone on. Either way I have been very grateful for the love and affection that we have shared. And of course this was the week for my period to arrive early and throw me all out of whack. Still, over all, it was a good week.
Mac and I had a discussion the other day about how He feels about hurting me during sex. He says whenever He reads about my description of it, it makes Him cringe. He feels it is not something that needs to be fixed between us, it is us and we don't need to be fixed, but it still upsets Him to know that He hurt me in any way. He says that hurting me is an act of selfishness on His part because He does it to heighten my orgasm, and therefore heighten His own. I don't see it the same way. I guess when I am whimpering and breathless with the pleasure I feel it is hard to think of Him as selfish.
The pain that He causes me really is so very little. I have been hurt more before, I have a scar or two and I have come hard to that pain. I have fantasised about much more pain and much less pleasure and still come so very hard. I could take more and still enjoy it in the most basic pleasure/pain way. Mac won't take that path. He chooses not to and I respect Him for that. I cannot ask Him to be something He doesn't want to be. So He winces at my bruises and kisses them all better and treats me very carefully for a few days. Then He does it to me again.
In some ways I wish He didn't have to feel those little twinges of guilt. Sometimes I wish He could get used to it, treat me like dirt and defile me in all sorts of painful and horrible ways. I am capable of hurting myself badly, I am capable of using others to hurt me badly and I know that with Mac's physical strength, He could easily crush me. But then I think that if He could get used to it, would He really be the Man I need Him to be?
He has often said to me that the person He is here to protect me against the most, is me.
I hope He never tries to change.