Kneeling before Him...
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Tuesday, February 08, 2005
Mac and I had a very interesting weekend, as you may be able to tell. Just to recap, on Saturday Wales defeated England in a rugby match for the first time in 12 years, and the win 12 years ago was just a fluke. This time Mac is certain that Wales is back as a rugby force to be reckoned with. As always on these types of days, Mac allows me to celebrate Welsh victories with Him, due to the fact that I have fair amount of Welsh in me, (as often as I can).
So of course, Saturday night we partied rather hard. It was a good night but it was a long night and by the time we got home, I was exhausted. Really exhausted. Mac on the other hand was horny. And as I climbed into bed it took all the effort I had left in me not to ask God to save me from a drunken horny Welshman.
"Want to fuck?" He said.
"Baby, I would like to, but I am so tired." I knew I wasn't getting away with that, but what the heck, a girl has to try, right? Actually, if I had gotten away with that, I probably would have been pissed off. In other words, I didn't want to, but I didn't want to be allowed to say no to Him. So really, Mac was never going to win this one. Only this is Mac, so He was never going to lose. Confused? Try living like this!
"That's ok," He said shrugging. "Just make me come quick."
I was caught somewhere between giggling and gouging out His eyes and hadn't decided which way to go. He on the other hand was quite comfortable in spreading my legs and deciding that His mouth needed to be where my pussy was. He asked me things, if I was too tired to come, if I was too tired to have His mouth on my cunt, if I was too tired to have His tongue inside me, and if I was too tired for more. I kept answering yes I was too tired. I became more and more breathless with each question, (mainly because of what He ws doing with His toungue between questions,) until I came.
"Good girl," He murmured as He climbed over me and pushed His cock inside me. "Good girl."
He slid His tongue into my mouth and I sucked on it. My legs wrapped themselves around His waist even though I was so tired I could hardly think. His breath smelled of me, His mouth tasted of me and I revelled in it. I licked His chin and pushed my tongue into His mouth seeking more of my own taste. Mac didn't hold back. He came quickly, noisily and copiously.
Then He moved to lie beside me and I moved away from Him. It was only natural for me to do that because of course I was desperate to be held. Now before you try and tell me it is not rational for me to move away from Him when I feel a need to be held, you have to understand the logic behind it. Sarah Logic. It goes like this. I need badly to be held, so I think Mac is not going to want to hold me so therefore when He tries to hold me I have to push Him away because I have already mentally decided He isn't going to hold me. Kind of like making sure I get the outcome I don't want. Clever isn't it? But at the time it seemed perfectly reasonable for me to push Him away when I needed Him so badly. I started to cry. Mac tried to ask what was wrong and tried to hold me again and again I pushed Him away so He let me be. I cried myself to sleep in only a minute or so.
When we woke the next morning Mac let me talk to Him about nothing for a while. I was full of vim and vigour trying my best to avoid having to face the way I reacted and just when I thought it was not going to be mentioned between us, Mac asked why I had cried and I suddenly deflated. I knew the reasons were going to seem like they didn't make sense when they made perfect sense, somehow. I had pushed Him away because I knew that He wouldn't hold me, even though He was trying to. I shut Him out because I knew He wouldn't talk to me, even though He attempted to. I cried because I knew He wouldn't love me even though that had been exactly what He had intended all along. He calmly and rationally pointed these things out to me and I got more and more irrational. I stopped being able to make sense even to me but I couldn't stop trying to defend a position that the other side already had under His control.
Then His phone rang and I glared at Him triumphantly, like the phone interrupting us now proved that the night before He had been about to push me away. Don't ask me the logic behind that one because even Sarah Logic can't cover this. I just knew I was right and I stormed off into my room to hide from Mac before He got off the phone. Wait, I mean, to prove that my life is as busy as His and I had important things to attend to too.
I think the day would have gone on to get much worse for me had the subject of the post below this one not been discovered. When I found out about it, I ran to Mac and He held me. He made a few suggestions of how we could handle it and I asked Him if He would take care of it for me and without even hesitating Mac said of course He would. He said that I was precious and deserved better than to be wronged this way and I relaxed back into being His Sarah and stopped trying to push Him away. I knew He would take care of it because He said He would and not only did He take care of it, He did not allow it to take over our day. We went to watch my nephew's rugby team play and then we had an early dinner at my sister's house surrounded by loud happy children, Mac being the loudest and happiest of them all. When we got home Mac drafted the letter and after I had read it I wrote the blog post.
Then it was time for bed again. I knew I owed Mac an apology because I had been such a whiny bitch that morning and I had put it off until bed time simply because we had been busy with other things, but now that it was all dealt with it was time. Mac accepted it immediately. There was no penance, no need to make it up to Him. I said I was sorry and I meant it. That was it. It was finished. We did discuss it, but only because I wanted to. I think what I was really trying to do was prove to myself that I didn't need Him because I felt that I needed Him so much.
Mac smiled. "I know. I just let you work round it. I don't react too much, just roll my eyes a little." He said.
"I get the feeling you roll your eyes at me a lot!" I smiled.
"You are very like a petulant little girl at times, but it is all part of you."
"I don't mean to do it," I said, wrinkling up my nose at myself.
"I know that too," He said, "but we wouldn't be who we are if I let you get away with it, so I just roll my eyes, smack you in the mouth if I feel like it, fuck you if I feel like it. It's all you need, really. Ownership."
"Yes it is." I nodded.
"I also know that when I say 'shut the fuck up whining, suck my cock then get me a drink,' it makes you furious. But after, it makes your pussy clench and your heart burst that you have found the man who knows how to handle you." He stuck His finger under my jaw so that I looked up into His eyes.
"You also know that it will make me furious but that won't stop me from getting on my knees and pulling your cock from Your pants." I grinned up at Him.
"I also know that when you do pull my cock from my pants and you are furious and petulant your teeth will 'accidentally' hurt me and I will slap your fucking face and you will moan and go soft and gooey and love it. Just love it."
"Uh huh," I said. "Just love it." I snuggled down onto His chest and could feel myself growing sleepy.
"A man has to know how to love you. That's all." He thought for a moment. "Good fucking job I know how to." He said. "Whiney wretch."
I giggled in spite of my sleepiness. He kissed the top of my head and played with my hair.
"Sarah?" He whispered.
"Mmm?" I mumbled.
"Tonight I will let you sleep without insisting that you please me first." He said.
I frowned. "Insisting?
"Yes." He said. "Last night I had to order you to, remember? You said 'I would like to but I am so tired'. I said 'Fuck tired. Please me."
"But what if, well, you know." I said, suddenly not feeling quite as tired as I thought I was.
He frowned. I kissed Him.
"Ok." He said. "Now you have to fuck me."
I laughed. He flipped me over onto my belly and pulled me back onto my knees while I still giggled. I didn't stop giggling until Mac opened His drawer and took out His clip. It hurt and He made me beg Him for more. I came so very hard. I was sobbing as His cock spurted inside me.
Then He held onto me tightly, His arm curled over my chest and His leg thrown over mine. He whispered wickedly sweet things to me while I fell asleep and I slept peacefully, like my mind was empty of all cares. I hadn't expected my sleep to be so untroubled. It was nice.
When I woke, I kissed Mac awake too. "There's my girl." He murmured. "Come here and kiss me some more." And I did. And I purred contentedly all day.
So as I said in comments yesterday, I am doing just fine. Mac is making sure I feel content, protected and safe. He promised that He would do whatever it takes to make things right for me. This may not have been a good way to learn this, but I now know that even in the middle of one of my petulant tantrums, Mac will help me. We were fighting, I was being a bitch but as soon as I needed Him, the fight and my tantrum didn't matter. He didn't hold it against me. He didn't throw it in my face. When I needed Him, He was right there beside me, holding my hand. Where He always has been. Where He always is.
And it is only one of the many reasons that I submit to Him.