Kneeling before Him...
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Wednesday, March 23, 2005
Mac left on Monday for an overnight business trip and yesterday we both got a little bruising lesson in honesty.
It was a very busy day for me and I was exhausted by the time I arrived home. I spent the day working in my friend's office again and even though the work is not physically or mentally draining, just the change of routine seems to tire me. It wasn't as bad as last week, but it was still enough for me to feel a little down. It was followed by a hurried Doctor's appointment, just a check up to see that I was clear of the flu I had a couple of weeks back. Then I had promised my sister I would drop by to see how the renovation of her house is going. She wanted a critical opinion on the colours she has chosen and she knew I wouldn't pull punches. If I didn't like it, I would tell her so. (Luckily I liked the colours and was able to avoid any conflict. She wants me to be honest, but doesn't like it when my opinion differs from hers.)
When I finally came home to an empty house I had just about had enough of Monday. I still had things to do but I only did the absolute minimum that I could get away with before having a nice hot shower and climbing into a pair of comfy pyjamas. I just wanted to go to bed but I knew that Mac would call me so I just did a little bit of surfing around the web while waiting for Him.
Just as I was about to give up on finding anything interesting, the phone rang and I was relieved to hear Mac's voice. I felt like it was permission to switch off. I took the phone into the bedroom and climbed into bed so I could talk to Him. We didn't have long because He still had a couple of hours work to do before He turned in for the night, but He had wanted to say goodnight to me and make sure that I was ok. I didn't have much to say. I found that I was just too tired to speak and when Mac asked what was wrong, I just told Him that my day had been so full that I was out of sorts with the world and just wanted to sleep.
Because I was feeling out of sorts, Mac did what He has been doing for me when I have been feeling that way and He ordered me to kneel for 15 minutes with the clip on my clitoris while I thought about us. He told me once the 15 minutes were up I could bring myself to orgasm, then I could go to bed and sleep. I lay there stunned for a moment or two and I thought about telling Him no, but I knew He would not listen to excuses and trying to work out how to explain what I was feeling was just too hard. I told Him that I would.
We talked a little while longer, but I just couldn't concentrate on the conversation. Mac said goodbye to me a little tersely, I think He thought I was sulking. I hung up the phone and burst into tears. I thought about calling Him back and trying to explain but again, it just seemed like too much effort. I was beyond tired at this point. I doubt I would have been able to make sense.
And I knelt beside the bed and I placed the clip on my clitoris and I cried some more. I cried for 15 minutes straight. I cried, then I came, then I climbed into bed and I felt completely misunderstood and alone and so damn tired I didn't even care that I have trouble sleeping when I am on my own. I slept for ten hours straight and didn't hear a single noise through the night the way that I usually do.
I really needed the sleep. I felt so much better about everything in the morning. I hardly gave the night before a thought. Mac arrived home in the evening and I met Him with a smile on my face and we talked about His trip and I laughed at His jokes and we kissed and we snuggled and things between us were good. I felt good. Then Mac asked me if I had obeyed Him the night before and I felt a knot form inside me. I told Him half the truth and said that I had. I didn't tell Him that I had cried. I didn't tell Him that it had left me feeling alone because I knew that Mac would see that as His fault and it wasn't His fault. He had done what He thought was right and on any other night, it would have been the perfect thing to do. Mac had been unable to see me, to actually see how tired I really was, so He did what had worked for us before, I understood that.
"Good girl." He said and I felt so much worse. He told me that He had been torn between making me do it and calling me back to tell me it didn't matter, that I could go to sleep. He said that for the first time, He had been uncertain what to do, but He was proud of me for obeying Him even though I had not wanted to. I sat there quietly, unable to think of anything to say to fix it. He should not have been proud of me. I did not deserve it. I had not been a good girl at all.
He asked me if I had come and I told Him I had and when He asked what thought had brought me to orgasm I didn't want to tell Him. He said that He would really like to know and I told Him that I had come because I knew that when I did I could sleep. He called me a romantic and grinned at me. I told Him again that I hadn't wanted to say but He said it was ok, that He didn't mind what it had been that made me come, that the point had been touching base by doing as He had asked. He told me I had honoured us and I felt even more ashamed. I asked if we could talk about something else.
"This is clearly too much like fucking hard work for you. I am going upstairs to do some work." He said angrily.
"No, it's not that.' I said, suddenly just as angry and ridiculously close to tears.
He scowled at me. "Yeah, it is."
"No." I said. "You just don't understand. I didn't honour us. I cried the whole time. I hated it. I hurt bad. I climbed into bed and cried myself to sleep. I didn't feel owned. I felt alone."
And I realised as soon as I had spat it out that this was so unfair of me. I should have told Him nicely, I should have said it calmly and without the anger as soon as He had asked. Hiding it from Him had just made me feel guilty and now I was taking that guilt out on Him. His reaction was a knee-jerk.
"Perhaps it is time to throw the clip away. It was good while it lasted." He said.
"No." I sighed. "I had a bad night, that's all. Aren't I entitled to that?"
"Of course you are and I tried to help you and I failed."
"Babe, I was just so exhausted. I hardly knew what I was doing. You just made a mistake. You said that you were unsure."
"I did, and I am entitled to that."
"I know. That's why I didn't want to tell You. Sometimes things don't work the way they should. We can't help that."
"Next time, do this. Don't obey for the sake of it. You make your own decision and tell me why after." I knew He was trying to fix this, but some things can't be fixed. They are what they are and to fix it would just make it wrong.
"That won't work. I can't choose when I do and don't submit. You told me that."
"Ok. Leave it that I made a misjudgement. It happens." He said. But that wasn't it either. It wasn't His fault. I should have tried to explain on Monday night and I most surely should have told Him the whole truth about it on Tuesday when He asked. Keeping it from Him had only made things worse.
"I trust You." I said. "I wouldn't be here if I didn't trust You."
"You aren't just here for that. You like sucking my cock as well." He shrugged. I smiled and shook my head at Him. "I really should go and check emails." He said. "But before I do, come here and kiss me."
I moved into His arms and kissed Him gently. Then I told Him I was feeling a little scared.
"Of?" He asked.
"Just scared." I said. "I hate arguing with You. It always frightens me."
"Pussy." He grinned.
"Uh huh. Very much so." I nodded.
"That's why I look after you." He said. " But I can't get it right every time, and sometimes, I get bruised too." I kissed Him again. "Now let me go woman. I have important work to do."
"Will it take long?" I asked.
"Depends." He looked at me. "What are the chances of messy and submissive oral sex?"
"Are You giving or receiving?" I grinned at Him.
"Is this dumb question day?"
"Nah. I just wanted to see the look on your face."
"Sassy bitch." He scowled.
"Scary old Bear." I giggled.
"Yes," I said throwing my arms around Him and kissing His cheek. "I love You endlessly."
He smiled. "I just fell in love with you again."
And everything was good between us again.
He told me later, after the messy and submissive oral sex that He received, that no matter how awkward things get between us, that kiss on the cheek always makes everything all right again. It soothes the bruised feelings, it takes the edge off any harsh words we have exchanged and it makes us both realise that we will be ok. Sometimes Mac will ask for it, but more often than not I will just give it to Him. I hadn't realised how much importance that it holds. It is the ending of whatever badness there is and the beginning of the good times again. When He has to walk away from me without letting me kiss His cheek, I carry around a heavy load of world until we talk again and I am allowed that kiss. I hadn't realised that He does too.
He told me a year ago that He had never been as unguarded, as open with anyone before me. He let me in further than He had ever let anyone in. Now I realise that He and I are only at the beginning. We are just scratching at the surface of what there is to know. But we will learn and we will grow together. We will make mistakes and we will work to get it right and we will never give up on each other.
We are too entwined.