Kneeling before Him...
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Wednesday, March 30, 2005
My brother-in-law is at home and recovering, though walking rather gingerly and being very careful not to blow his nose. He has a fracture along the bone at the side of his nose, just below the eye. He has had base line blood tests. The test will continue for the next 18 months because he was bitten. It's highly unlikely any blood borne disease was transferred but he is following recommendations.
The guy has not been seen since the incident. What I did not mention yesterday was that this man's wife and children were also present and also saw what happened. None of his children reacted. His wife just stood down where they had been fishing and watched. I wonder just what horror they live with? I hope that they are not beyond help. My heart goes out to that woman and her children. I feel for them. I really do.
My father, gosh. I don't even know if I should guess at what he is feeling. He is 60 now, but still active, still in good physical shape, and still very much the head of the family. I think it hurt him not to be able to protect his family. He tried, he was one of the adults trying to pull the bastard off my brother-in-law and he has a cut on his forearm and bruising from where he tried to hook the bastard's arm and lift him up. But in the end, he had not been able to stop what was going on. I don't think any man is comfortable with being reminded that he can't always protect his family from everything. He didn't say much after it happened. He rarely says much but he was not just quiet, he was withdrawn. When he did speak it was to say "all over a bloody fishing line" and shake his head. My Dad came good later on and cooked the barbeque. The kids were hungry even if the adults didn't want to eat. Surprisingly we did manage to put a dent in the food. He cooks a bloody good barbeque.
My eldest nephew, 13, is the one I worry about the most right now. He was the one that asked if he could take the boat out. He feels it would not have happened had he not wanted to go for a ride. We have explained to him that there is no one that is guilty except the man who threw the punch, that this sort of violence is unreasonable and that there was no cause, no blame. But teenagers are megalomaniacs and I am not sure any of us got through to him. He sees things settled by fists amongst his mates all the time. The good thing about him though is that he talks too much. He says what he is thinking without holding anything back and so I think he will just tell us what is on his mind.
And Mac, had He been there, I really don't know what He could have done. Maybe had He and my brother-in-law been standing with my Dad the first punch would not have been thrown. I have a feeling the guy was a coward and a bully and if the numbers had been against him he wouldn't have started it. But my brother-in-law and Mac are roughly the same size, weight and shape. My brother-in-law works out, has a physically demanding job and is proficient in one of the martial arts (I forget which one). The attack was just completely unexpected and my brother-in-law remembers the first punch connecting below his eye and the side of his nose then the pain in his balls, everything after that is black. At the hospital my brother-in-law wanted to find the man and kill him. He could take him in a fair fight, he thought. I think it would have been the same had it been Mac in my brother-in-law's place.
As for me, physically I am fine. I have a sore ankle. I think I twisted it a little when I had a hold of the neck of the guy's shirt and was trying to strangle him with it. I don't remember it hurting until I was yelling at the guy as he was walking away. I followed him and I told him we were calling the cops. I told him we would charge him with everything we could. I called him a fucking prick for doing that in front of children. I asked him what kind of fucking idiot he was. He just kept walking away, thank god. It wasn't the brightest thing I have done. At that moment though there was no fear for me. My brother-in-law was injured and I was showing my claws. My Dad came and took my arm and led me back to the family. I knew then that I had hurt my ankle but it wasn't until after I had taken my sister and her husband to the hospital that I let myself take care of it. It is only a little strained, that's all. It was then that one of the kids pointed out that I had blood on my shirt and I started to shake. I kept having periods of shaking all of yesterday.
I spent the day yesterday at my sister's house. She chided me for skiving off work then fussed over me. She is a mum, a true mother hen, and I know she felt better just taking care of someone. I didn't offer to take the kids off her hands even for a little while, though had I have, she would have refused. The children are the best medicine for her and she always complains because her mother-in-law has a habit of trying to organise the children when things are wrong. She wants to be with her family. I guess with 5 children that is a good thing. Even then she still likes to mother me.
Mac was here with me for a little while. He called me as soon as His train got into the station. We didn't say much about what had happened. We had talked about it a lot already. I had kept Mac up to date about what was going on. He was sickened and disgusted by it all. I had told Him everything including that I needed Him and that I didn't even want to try to take care of me on my own. He was fine with that and had made it back as soon as He could. I knew that Mac was just calling to check up on me and to let me know He was not far away.
We talked a little about how His trip was and how the meeting had gone and He asked how I was doing. I told Him I was upset, but basically ok.
"I have a confession to make." He said. I listened unsure if I was going to hear something truly bad. "I am shocked at what has happened. I realise how shaken you are still and how much you need to be held. But I can't get past your tits."
"You are awful." I said, but I smiled and I knew that was exactly what Mac wanted me to do.
"Well I said it was a confession!" I could hear Him grinning.
"Uh huh," I said. "You know though, I don't ever get past my tits, they are always in front of me."
"Yeah but you haven't got a cock you want them wrapped round."
"That's a good thing really." I said.
"You realise if I was home now I would hold you tight and reassure you right after coming in your mouth, right?"
"That would be rather perfect." I whispered.
"Well good." He said and I realised that He had not been quiet sure if He was handling this right for me. He was just following His instinct and listening to my reaction. He was a little relieved when I reacted favourably. At least that was my take on what was happening.
"When I get home, you will kneel and take care of me, then we will deal with the rest." He said.
"Baby, I don't want to deal with it tonight. I just want to take care of You. That will be enough. Something else to focus on." I told Him.
"Suits me." He said cheekily. "I should be home in about 30 minutes babe."
"Ok, I will be waiting for You."
"Yes, you will. And Sarah?"
"Go and get the clip and put it on. Focus on how you are going to please me when I get home, ok?"
"Yes Sir." I said.
"Good girl." He said and He was gone.
It was just over 30 minutes later that I heard Him pull into the driveway. I stood in the entrance and waited for Him quietly. Now that He was actually home I felt quite subdued. He walked in the door and I was just standing there in my short robe with my hands clasped in front of me. I was hiding behind a curtain of hair and looking at the floor.
"Hey pretty girl." He said. Then asked, "Clip?" I nodded, not looking up, not wanting too.
Mac came to me and took my hand and led me upstairs to our bedroom. I followed silently. I stood as I had downstairs while He undressed. He didn't speak to me. I didn't need to speak to Him. I just wanted to be where He was. He slipped the robe off my shoulders and lifted me onto the bed. Then He made love to me, softer and gentler than He ever has before. He touched my cheeks and kissed my eyes and told me that I was the most precious girl He could imagine. His breath would catch with every push inside me and I knew that He was feeling good. It made me feel good too.
I was on my back with my legs wrapped around His waist. My arms were tight around His neck. I spent a lot of the time just looking into His eyes and letting myself get lost in the pleasure I saw there.
"I love you." I said to Him and then I kissed Him. "I love you." I said again. We kissed again then I said it again and again and again. I said it as my back arched beneath Him and I came. He came too. He had been holding back, waiting for me.
Then He held me, wrapped me up in His big strong rugby players arms and He didn't let me go. We didn't talk. I knew that He would listen if I wanted to talk but really, I was all talked out over what had happened. I had discussed it thoroughly at my sister's yesterday and I talked about it here on the blog and also on the phone with Mac. All I wanted to do was listen to His heartbeat and He was happy to let me do that. I didn't shake at all while He was holding me.
When we finally made it out of bed and went downstairs, we stayed close to each other throughout the evening. We talked about everything except what had happened and that was ok. It was normal. I felt like it wasn't as much in the way as it had been. It hasn't disappeared. It's still there, all the thoughts and feelings, but I am not in as much of a hurry to deal with them right now. I am not as afraid of hurting or being scared because Mac will catch me if I fall. Things will surface and we will deal with them as they do. I feel a lot calmer. I think it shows in how I am writing today.
My actions and reactions will take time to process. My fear over my submissiveness will be picked apart and analysed by me too. Mac will stop me when I try and go to far. He will raise an eyebrow if I try and blame myself for the start of World War II. You would be surprised with what I have tried to make my fault before. He wont put up with any temper tantrums I may throw or any pushing of Him that I may do. I know this, but I suspect that I may try it at some stage. Confirmation of who we are and all that. I have a feeling that is normal too.
I would like to thank you all for the comments, emails, thoughts and prayers that went out to my family and myself. I am touched that you all reached out to me. For a while there I thought that maybe I was the freak again. It is easy to retreat into old habits and assume that I am alone when I am not at all, really. You all reminded me that I am not abnormal, and that the world is not all bad. There are more good people out there. It just goes to show that one idiot can cause a lot of havoc if we let them. I have decided not to let this one take anything away from me and I am going to let Mac love me for a while. Possibly forever, if He wants.
I'm not ok yet, but I know that I will get there. It really is ok if it takes some time.