Kneeling before Him...
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Monday, March 14, 2005
When Mac and I first met, His first impression of me was of a spoilt little ball breaker so accustomed to being centre of attention that I would sulk when He took the attention away from me. He was less than impressed with me. He wasn't the only one that saw me as this tough independent woman that would always get her own way. There were men and women who were a little afraid of me. I know this because as I got to know them better and we became friends, they told me that their first impression was of a woman who could take care of herself in any situation, a little cold, a little aloof, and that it would be best not to mess with me. It was only on getting to know me that they realised there was a little more to me than that bitch.
Mac realised that maybe I was not so tough after all when I admitted to Him that I felt invisible when He did not acknowledge I was there. He realised that I was not sulking. I was just waiting for His approval. He didn't understand it and neither did I. We had not come across a name for it, or known it existed for other people, but mostly the two of us just accepted it and let our friendship develop along those lines.
But Mac was the exception, not the rule. I did portray this completely together woman, so headstrong and tough that I was a little scary, so protective of my heart that I was afraid to let the more gentle side of me show through and that made it hard, especially for men, to understand me. I smiled and laughed an awful lot, even when I was sad. I thought that it was important for me to keep up a brave face no matter what. And I am smart. I am quick. I can deliver a line that will floor a smartass and have him running for cover while Mac chokes on His beer.
This meant that I would find myself in these relationships where the man just expected me to take care of myself. They didn't want to share in my problems. They didn't want to know about my rough day. They wanted me to be the funny, happy-go-lucky, independent Sarah they thought they had gotten into the relationship with. If I dared go to them with a problem I had, no matter how big or how small, I would often get them throwing up their arms and telling me that they didn't have time for this. They wanted me to always be the good time girl and I felt like my feelings, my doubts, my problems and emotions were nothing but burdens to them. I was a burden to them. I would battle through my problems on my own. I sometimes thought that I would drown.
So a few days ago I had a problem. In fact, I had the problem for three days. I thought I was handling it. I thought I was doing the right thing by keeping it to myself because I was determined not to let my problem interfere with His time. Now that I stop and think about it, I realise that it was affecting Mac because in trying to deal with it myself, I was not being myself and Mac felt it even if He didn't know why. Someone who reads the blog was using emotional blackmail against me in email. I know that no one can make you feel bad unless you allow them too, but by pretending you don't feel bad when you really do is still a win for the other side. They did make me feel bad. I did feel a little responsible even though I knew I shouldn't. Sometimes, especially when I am feeling very submissive, I think it is my responsibility to save the world. I find it very hard to draw a line.
I did understand that I could not get involved and I thought that by ignoring the emails they would stop. They didn't, so when I received another and realised that this was going to take more than inaction on my part, I went to Mac. The first thing He did was take charge. I was not to respond in any way. I was not to read any more emails. I was to filter the address into trash. This was not 'my' problem any more. It was His. He would deal with it as He saw fit.
Then I got into trouble. Not much trouble, just enough to get me a little smack on the mouth. I should have brought this to His attention immediately. This was something that I should not have tried to deal with on my own. As far as Mac is concerned it is a man's responsibility to deal with these problems that His woman has. It is His responsibility that I feel safe at all times. If I feel threatened in any way I should always let Him know, but especially when the threat comes from another man. It doesn't matter if the threat is physical or emotional, if it happens face to face or in an anonymous way like email, whatever it is, whatever way, He will deal with it. He doesn't understand men that do not feel protective of the woman they are with. Mac believes that even if she is capable of handling it herself He should make sure she knows He is there if she needs Him to be.
And after I got into the little bit of trouble for thinking that I would 'burden' Him with this, Mac spent some time reminding me that I am His, that He enjoys being my Male and protecting me is just another part of that. "There is more to being a man than having a penis," He says.
I don't have to be afraid of being gentle. I don't have to be that ball-breaking bitch anymore. (Except when I want to, of course.) Mac will protect me.
I am really glad that I belong to Him.