Kneeling before Him...
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Monday, April 04, 2005
A few days back Adrian asked some questions and I am going to give my answer here and hope it makes some sense.
I wanted to know, do you, or any of your readers, have any advice for me? My girl is really interested in a D/s relationship, she wants to be "mine", she wants to be my slave, in her own words. It's been a fantasy of hers for a long time, and for me as well. But she's very upset by the concept of being a "possession" - it makes her feel like an object, and not like a person. I can understand that, but is a slave not a possession? And can't a possession be loved? Any thoughts?
I thought I would say what belonging to Mac means to me, but I think most of it will be a repeat of what I have said before.
Mac has always said that I belong to Him from the time we became us. It was never something we discussed. As far as Mac was concerned it was the way a relationship between a man and woman was. He owned me. Everything I did or said, every move I made reflected back on Him. He accepted the parts of me that I still consider bad, or at least broken, and told me those parts of me were ok because He wasn't just taking the good time Sarah, He was taking all of me as His own.
I guess that is what this owning, belonging, possession thing is all about for me. Acceptance of everything I am and can be. Even when I make Mac scowl or turn away from me in annoyance, I don't have to question where I belong because I am His.
And strangely enough it doesn't make me feel like an object. In fact it gives me the freedom to be the real me. I am just like everyone else and wear so many faces, that of daughter, aunt, sister, friend, employee, business owner, salesperson, and the list could go on. It's only with Mac that I let all the other pieces go and show Him what I really feel. I am more real because I belong to Him. I am more solid because I am His.
Now of course this ownership, it has two sides to it, being the owner and being the one owned. People seem to freak out at the concept as someone belonging to someone else because we have learnt through history that it can be easily abused. Mac and I have made it the way it was meant to be. Mac doesn't just get what He wants, it's not just all about Him, it's about my needs being met too. Neither of us shirks our responsibility to the other.
I remember the first time Mac and I had sex. Without any discussion Mac used me anally. He didn't stop and ask if it was ok or not. When we talked about it after He said that it was because He knew I wanted to please Him and that was what He wanted right then. Then He added that had it left me cold, had I hated it or told Him no then He would have had to rethink what it was that He wanted because He didn't want things that turned me off. He wanted me to be enjoying us as well. I can give myself freely to Mac because I know He wouldn't demand anything from me that hurt me in any way. Mac believes in protecting what is His.
Of course this isn't going to work for everyone and especially not for someone that goes cold at the thought of being a possession. Perhaps there are different words that can be used to make her feel the right way. Then again it isn't really the words that matter, they are no more than the other symbols that Mac and I use, kneeling, the chain around my neck, the ring on my finger, the bite marks, His semen on my face. We all take our own meanings away from the things we share with our partners.
While we were away Mac and I attended a dinner that His boss was hosting. I had bought myself a little black dress and some strappy high heels. I wore stockings, stay up ones with a seam down the back and I had my hair done by the hairdresser downstairs. She had somehow twisted it up into some kind of knot and then let most of my hair drape back down in soft curls. It was elegant without making me look cold and untouchable. I finished it off with just a touch of eye shadow and a little lipstick. I knew I looked good, sexy but in a nice girl way. And if you know you look good then half the battle is already won. When a woman feels good about the way she looks she shines with it and it sucks everyone else in.
And when Mac walked in I was ready and waiting, and He did a double take.
"Wow" was all He had to say. I grinned.
We entered the restaurant with Mac's hand on my lower back and I felt very confident in His ownership of me. And I shone. I made Mac very proud of me. I gave Him every reason to be. I flirted gently with everyone I met and I laughed and I had a lot of fun. Mac said it was very satisfying to see other men wanting me and knowing that I was His.
As soon as we were back at the hotel room Mac made me kneel on the floor. He pulled all the pins from my hair and messed up my make-up with His cock. He held my hair tightly and fucked my mouth, pulling out only to slap me and come all over my face. He said that He had been thinking about it all night.
I have no doubt that the urge was driven by a desire to mark His property. He would have proudly shown me off messed up and marked by Him if it was acceptable in our society. And I would have been proud of it too.
It all feels so right for me to be this way.
I was meant to belong to Him.