Kneeling before Him...



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Thursday, April 14, 2005

I am not sure why, but just when things seem to be on the right track, I run into a bump in the road. Is it me? Do I cause these things to happen to myself? I have always believed that people that live with constant drama in their lives tend to create most of them themselves. I am starting to wonder if I am cause of all the things around me. Then again, I have always been a bit of a megalomaniac believing myself to be the root of all evil in the world. I have relaxed that belief somewhat of late, only to discover that I can't have a week go past without something bad happening.

As of last night I am no longer doing data entry for a friend. I am back to just painting again. I am still not sure what exactly happened, I am not well versed in office politics, but from what I can tell, the office manager had her nose put out of joint when the friend went over the office manager's head to the owner (her father) and got me hired for the data entry. Now that I have almost completed the database working from the freaking impossible spreadsheet, the office manager has hired someone else to do the easy straightforward data entry. Although I hold no malice towards our friend or her father, I refuse to work in a situation where I am the pawn between the office manager and our friend. They will have to hire someone to do the last 8 hours on that spreadsheet because I wont be doing it. Women are such bitches. (I said that yesterday.) It is why I hate working with them. I should have remembered that.

Last night I was hurt, upset and angry. I still feel as though I was used. It required someone with industry knowledge to put in the codes, a regular temp could not have done it and they would have had to pay through the teeth to hire someone with the necessary background. I accepted the minimum wage for a clerk. Now they are paying someone twice what they paid me to get the easy work done.

I was also starting to feel like I was a part of something, part of 'the staff'. Not a huge achievement I know, but I am going to miss it. I enjoyed it. I really did. It was a highlight of my week to get out and do something different.

Mac seems to think it is not a huge deal and I guess He is right. It was only supposed to be a temporary thing and so it would have been time to move on eventually. So I should just forget about it. But I hate this feeling. What is it? Ego? Damaged pride? I did my job and I did it damn well and it just wasn't good enough. I hate this impotent anger. There is nothing I can do about it other then quit and that feels like I am giving in to the stupid witch that hired someone else. I just want to bitch slap her, just once, she deserves it, only she is a hell of a lot bigger than me and quite butch. She is a bit scary really. Bah, a pox on her! May the fleas of a thousand camels infest her crotch hair.

Mac is not here right now. Out of town again. I haven't seen Him in a few days. I don't know if He will be back before the weekend. I have a feeling my period will arrive before He does. I am blaming that for my overreaction. Mac has already accused me of throwing a girly tantrum and I agree totally. I am a girl and I am having a huge tantrum. I have almost dared Him to smack me in the mouth. I am ready to shove Him if He doesn't. I am going to get myself into trouble I can't handle.

If I am not careful, I may just see how far He can be pushed.

Why do I feel like it needs to hurt?

Posted by Sarah McBroden at 6:15 am

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