Kneeling before Him...
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Monday, April 18, 2005
I have been feeling a little unwell of late. I had a lung infection a couple of months back and then again in these past couple of weeks. I am young and otherwise healthy and it is not as serious as it sounds. I will get better, but because this was a second infection so quickly after the first, I am taking a long time to heal. Right now it is mainly the tiredness that gets me down. There is so much I want to do but can't because I am exhausted just from going up and down our stairs. Because of this, we have been a little quiet. Mac has been very gentle with my body. That is not to say we haven't had sex because we seem to be having it more than usual. I want to be around Him a lot and when I am around Him I can't seem to help reaching for His cock. I want to make Him come all the time. Validation that He still finds pleasure in the sick me, I guess. I am just not up to taking on rough stuff so Mac has been taking it easy on me physically.
Mentally is a different matter. He has been perfecting the art of the mind fuck so that even though His hands are gentle, His words are often completely opposite. He hasn't shoved His cock down my throat and choked me, but He has threatened me with it. He hasn't tied me up, but He has placed my arms above my head and held them there with one hand. He hasn't shared me with anyone, but He has spat across my breasts and told me it was another man's semen spraying across my tits.
And last night, well, last night was a little different to anything we have done for a while. It was all about my sexuality, not His. I forget sometimes that it is me that He loves and that it is not always about His semen and His cock. Sometimes it is just about being me.
He found a picture on the net. Actually, He found three, but I have only seen one so far. I have not been able to trace where He got it from and He can't remember, but it is originally from a pay site and I don't wish to advertise here. This picture though, it is lovely. A girl tied in a body harness of rope, her hands bound behind her. The rope weaves down between her legs and up her bum crack and the Him is holding the end of it in his hand. Her panties are pulled down around mid thigh and she has a pair of white socks on. His cock is in her mouth.
It's not really the rope or the cock or even the panties that made me sigh wistfully, it was the look of pure and utter contentment on her face. I like girls tied up. I like bondage. I love pictures of pretty girls looking rather helplessly like sex objects. But it is very rare to see a woman looking so completely lost in it all. Usually they look bored or like they are in pain. This woman, her whole posture, her whole being was caught up in this He's pleasure. I felt an extreme bolt of jealousy in my groin. I wanted it, that contentment, to be tied and used and sore from His pleasure, to be so caught up in Him that there was nothing else in the world. She doesn't even seem to be aware that there was a camera there. I would love it, just like that, for my Him.
We studied the picture together. He asked if I liked it. I told Him that I did. We talked about what it was that turned us on about her, her desire to please, her serenity at being used by Him. When we had pretty much discussed everything from the panties around her thighs to the ropes leaving marks around her breasts, Mac asked me if I was wet. I shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot and nodded my head, a little bit ashamed at how turned on I was. He asked me if I was swollen and I just nodded again. He told me to sit on the edge of His desk. I did, parting my legs automatically. He called me a little slut and I found myself hiding behind a curtain of hair. He pulled my panties aside and ran His fingers along my pussy. I bit my lip. He told me to take my panties off and then sit back on the desk and I did as I was told, pulling up my skirt as I sat so that I could open my legs further. He smiled at me and told me to masturbate.
It doesn't matter how many times Mac has seen me do it, it doesn't matter how many times I have done it alone, masturbation still has that tinge of guilt to it, like it is something that is wrong to enjoy. Even though I was embarrassed and blushing furiously, I touched myself. Mac watched and talked some more about the girl in the picture, how she could expect her ass and cunt to be sore from the rubbing of the rope, how her throat would ache from it's fucking, how her tits would be bruised from His hands and His teeth and how she would just be begging for more. I came quickly, just as His phone rang and I finished myself off quietly while He answered it.
He was only on the phone for a minute or so. I sat on the desk with my legs together and waited for Him to tell me what He wanted next.
He said that He had not been expecting me to come so quickly, that I must have been ready for it and that I was a horny little bitch. I blushed again and said nothing. I couldn't look at Him.
"Want to carry on?" He asked. About 30 seconds passed in silence. "Well?"
"I don't know how to answer that one." I finally said.
"What can't you answer and why?"
"If I want to carry on."
"Well either, 'yes darling, make me come some more' or 'nah I can't be assed.' I don't need a fucking debate." He chuckled at me.
"I wasn't giving You a debate." I said frowning a little. "Its just that, well, if You don't want to, I don't want to and I don't know what You want."
"Oh." He said. "I see." He stood and kissed me very gently then pulled me into an embrace. "I love you baby. I really do. You can be so sweet. I forget sometimes how strong your submission is, how it utterly consumes you. You and the girl in the picture, both of you, totally suffused with the sex of pleasing your Him. You are sitting here hoping my pleasure is to keep you aroused but too submissive to tell me in case it wasn't what I wanted."
I felt a little silly. I should have just told Him what I wanted, but if it isn't what He wants, how can it be what I want to do? I want to please Him above all else. That comes first. Even though I was masturbating, even though I had come, it had been for Him. He had asked me days back, when I had wanted to fuck but a phone call had sucked away our time, was I frustrated because I hadn't come or was it really because it was His orgasm I had wanted. I had laughed and told Him that I know where my clitoris is and how it works. I am quite capable of making myself come without His help thankyou very much. He said then that my attitude to our sex and His pleasure never failed to turn Him on.
He sat back down in His chair and told me to open my legs. I started to masturbate again as He told me just how much pleasure He got from my submission to Him. He loves that I want so much to please Him. He couldn't imagine us being any other way.
I came for Him again, then again. He stopped me after the third. He said it was enough, that I was exhausted and needed some sleep and He was right. He pulled me into His lap and kissed me and held me and rocked me for a little while. I was quite comfortable and didn't want to let go so He carried me to the bedroom and helped me undress and lay down with me. I asked Him to come on my face, but He declined. I think He would have loved to only I was just so tired and He still had work to do once I was sleeping. He tries to get as much done as He can so we can have some time together during the day. He told me that if I didn't go to sleep He would end up keeping me awake all night. I tried to tell Him I wouldn't mind but the words were too heavy for my lips.
Sometimes it is hard for me to know where He ends and I begin. Some people tell us it is unhealthy for us to be this way. I don't think it is while we both feel like this. One day, perhaps, Mac or I will find out what it is like to suddenly have to live without the other and I know that for which ever one of us it is, it is going to hurt like nothing else ever could. I am aware of what we have opened ourselves up to. But this, this happiness, this love, this connection, this trust and understanding, this belonging, I wouldn't give it up even if I knew it had to be that bad at the end. It is worth whatever it costs.
The other two pictures He has saved and He is using to tease me with. I am only going to see one each week, on Sundays. He has given me only a tiny clue as to what the next picture is. Each time I think of it my muscles clench. I love being teased like this. He knows it and loves keeping me on edge.
I think it could be an interesting week.