Kneeling before Him...
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Sunday, April 03, 2005
I have had a strange few days. The break was wonderful. I had moments of complete peace. Then there were times where all I wanted to do was curl up in a corner somewhere and cry. Sometimes, when I was out shopping alone I would feel like everyone was staring at me and I would suddenly become afraid and want to run back to the hotel room where I felt safe. I refused to give in to it. I knew it was irrational. There was nothing to fear, but still it was there. At times I just wanted to give up in feeling anything and retreat into numbness, but I kept thinking that it wouldn't be fair on Mac. We have been so connected on such a deep level that withdrawing now would hurt us both tremendously. I could punish myself that way, but found I was unable to punish Him. I have fought with myself to remain open and vulnerable to Him even when I did not feel safe.
I have felt guilty for wallowing in this when so many others have less than I do. I love and am loved. I am held tightly at night. I am made to feel precious and beautiful and safe. What right do I have to be so sad at times? What right do I have to hold onto Him and wish that I never had to let go? He treats me like an angel, a princess, a whore. I keep wondering why I think I have the right to cling to Him sometimes. I keep wondering why I feel I need more.
And really Mac has been my rock, using me when He has desired, holding me when I needed it, telling me what I mean to Him and letting me know that He will be there for me no matter what. At first He thought He was being selfish, using me to satisfy His lust while I was still hurting, but then He thought that maybe it was a desire to bring His girl back to Him and He was just expressing it through His cock. This wasn't exactly news to me, I have known it for a while, that's why I place such importance in the sex.
When I whined at Him He would scowl at me and tell me to get on my knees where I belong and I couldn't help but smile at Him while I knelt on the floor. He would shake His head at the ease that with which I obeyed and how calm and pliant I would become. He told me He had to be careful not to abuse my reaction because it was so pleasing to Him. He did not want me to feel that He was taking advantage of my willingness to please, at least, not too much.
So the times with Mac are wonderful but when He is not with me I don't feel His protection any more. I know I used to, most of the time. I can't expect Him to be with me 24 hours a day so I need to work on feeling safe when I am alone. He tells me that not being with me all the time doesn't lessen the love He feels for me. Maybe I need to starts with that.
I can do this. I know I can.