Kneeling before Him...
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Wednesday, April 27, 2005
I received an email today that made me think. The writer was a dominant male living in a relationship with a submissive female who have been readers of my blog for quite some time. He was really nice to me and explained that they have many discussions based on the things that I write. It helps them understand each other a little better and to know that makes me feel quite proud of my little place here. He told me that his partner believes that Mac and I are exactly as I portray in the blog, but he believes that Mac is more how I would have Him be then how He actually is. That is what made me stop and think about Mac and how I write about Him.
First up, I know that there are those that don't believe that Mac and I are really who I say we are. I will never forget the time that someone said that Mac was probably my vibrator. I had a lot of fun with that. I have also had a few people write and say that even if Mac and I are not as we are in the blog, it is still a damn good read. I am not going to change anyone's mind here today and that's ok, I am going to write about this anyway because the answer was not as simple as it first seemed.
First of all, mostly when it comes to writing here, all I do is take a part of our day and write about it the way I see that it happened, the way that it felt to me. All the writing here is from my point of view, unless I have said that it came from Mac. The things we say, the conversations, are put here almost verbatim. I may take a little poetic license now and then but Mac will tell you, I will always stay true to what was said and how it was said, even if I mix up the words a little bit. (To be honest, I go by my memory of the conversation. Mac usually has a grasp of what was said but not how or when so if I get it wrong, He wouldn't know unless I put something in there that was out of place.) Other than that, everything you see on here comes from the way I perceive things to be. I write honestly from my point of view. Sometimes it is different to what Mac sees.
By that I mean that what I see in Mac may not be what Mac sees in Himself. For example, if I am feeling frustrated and pissy and Mac drags me to the bedroom and treats me rough, I might say that Mac saw I had a need to be dominated by Him and that was why He did it that way. Mac would probably say He just felt like some rough sex so He took it. Is what I feel a lie? I don't know, perhaps it is if Mac Himself doesn't feel that way. Who is to say though, that Mac doesn't register my need for domination on some level He is unaware of and His desire to bite and mark and pull my hair doesn't stem from that? How can either of us be sure we are not acting and reacting on the unconscious signals that we are giving off? I certainly don't act pissy and frustrated to get Him to drag me to the bedroom. I do it because I feel pissy and frustrated and often as He is dragging me, I will whine and carry on about it until that first slap or until He growls at me to 'shut up and just fucking do it'. Either will make my pussy wet enough to put the frustration and pissyness aside.
So often at the times I think Mac is giving me what I need, He thinks He is just taking what He wants. He fucks me because He wants too. He is soft and gentle because He feels protective of me. He treats me rough and smacks me around because He wants to come hard from making me come hard. He just follows His desires and urges and He says He has never been as selfish with sex as He is with me. Strangely enough, I have never had a man give me more.
So do I portray Him as I would have Him be or is He as I say He is? I write about the Man as I see Him. I write about Him as He is to me. I give you my thoughts on Him as honestly as I can. I present Him to you as I feel Him to be.
And I can't give you more than that.