Kneeling before Him...
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Tuesday, April 26, 2005
The little girl in me is quiet right now, almost as if that part of me is on hold. I still haven't heard from Mac but I am not worried about Him yet. As He always tells me, He is a big boy and can get Himself out of all sorts of trouble. Somehow He thinks that is a comfort to me. I expect that He will email or be on pager at some stage today.
I have to admit to feeling a little lost here. I guess that it comes from basing so much of what I feel and do on Him. When He isn't here, things sort of build up unexpectedly and I am never quite sure what will come out.
Some days I feel like there is a silent majority out there watching me and waiting for me to falter. It is probably just the loneliness talking, but sometimes I feel like I let a lot of people down when I say things that goes against their grain. I sometimes feel like I am being judged and found lacking because I don't quite fit into a pre-determined mould. I read others write about how they could never be submissive, for them it is only a bedroom trick they pull for the thrill. Or I read them say that they are much too strong to ever submit to any man and I find myself wanting to scream that being able to submit is not a weakness, it is just a different kind of strength, the strength to give, to relate yourself to another being inside of a relationship, to make yourself a part of the whole.
Mac tells me that I am the most submissive woman He has come across. My ability to give is almost endless. So much so that at times He has to remind Himself not to take advantage of it. I live to please and bring pleasure to Him. I can only be this way with Him because He accepts that as me. He cherishes it, encourages it, protects it and feeds it so it grows. He doesn't hurt me and He doesn't abuse it because He knows that I will take it away if He does.
No one has ever wanted me to be this way before. Men I dated before Mac were interested only in taking care of themselves. If I needed something back from them, they were not willing to give it. They only wanted to hold my hand when it suited them. As long as I was happy and looking after myself, they wanted to be with me. As soon as I wanted something from them, they felt I was asking too much. They didn't mind me giving, as long as they didn't have to give anything back. You can't have it like that if you really want a relationship to work.
There is an equality that exists in our relationship that I have never known before. When I need Him, He holds out His hand and holds on tight. It is never too much effort for Him. In fact, He does it so simply that most of the time, He doesn't realise He is doing it at all. He says that loving me is the easiest thing He has ever done. He just follows His instincts, doesn't hold back, and lets me love Him as much as I want. I know that I get at least as much as I give and I give it all.
Right now, I know if Mac were here, He would tell me that there is no need for me to try and explain to people that just don't get it about us. He always says that we are what we are and we are happy being us and that should be good enough for everyone and if it isn't, then that is their problem not ours. I know He is right and I shouldn't bother trying, but He isn't here and I guess without Him, my insecurities are a little raw.
I know that I could talk myself blue and type around and around in circles and some people will still say that I am weak and that He is a bully and they will hope that we fall apart so they can say they knew it, so I wont. I will stop here and not go on. I just think that those out there that think that I am just not right should try and remember that life doesn't come in one-size fits all. I have found the place I fit into. I am happy and I do hope that others find something to fit them too.
I am a better person because of loving Him.
How can that possibly be bad?