Kneeling before Him...
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Monday, April 25, 2005
There is something that I want to write about, but I am not sure how well it is going to come out, or if I can make it make sense to anyone at all, even me. I guess all I can do is try. If I succeed, maybe it won't feel so important anymore. If I fail, at least I tried.
Mac is probably in China by now. I haven't heard from Him since Bangkok airport yesterday and I don't have any expectations as to when I will hear from Him again. Communication is often dependant on where He is staying and which area He is in. He will email me when He can or if we get lucky and time it right, we will talk on pager.
I have to admit to being a little upset at His leaving. I feel a little afraid at the idea of the distance between us. It is nothing new for me to feel this way, I often do, but it doesn't change that it is what I feel. It is almost as If I have misplaced something, not an arm or a leg, nothing like that, but it is something, and I find myself looking around for it even though I am not sure what I am looking for. Perhaps it is intimacy or maybe my sense of peace, having someone to lean on and welcome me home. Maybe it is His scent, His masculine smell, the amount of noise He makes or the way He fills this house. It could just be my sense of family and all that comes with that. It may just be the two of us (and the cats) but we are a family.
Sometimes and I think Mac would agree with me here, I feel that I have grown so much since He took me as His. I have blossomed from a broken little bird into a woman with a wonderful grasp on who she is, where she belongs and how she fits into this world. I have more confidence, more strength, more belief in my talents and abilities. I don't shy away from trying new things. I can laugh at my failures and accept my successes. It wasn't always that way for me. I now know that there is nothing wrong with the way I love. It's not too much. I am not too much. At least, I am not too much for Him.
Then there is this other part of me, the little girl part of me that is more prominent then it has ever been. It is bigger than I ever remember it being. I depend on Him more than I ever remember allowing myself to depend on someone else. By the time I was 5 I knew that I couldn't trust the people I loved most in the world not to hurt me. I knew that they wouldn't be there to help me if I needed them to be. I never felt safe enough with them to be this vulnerable. They never tried to protect me the way Mac does. It is that part of me that curls up in His lap and covers His face with little kisses. The part that shines so brightly at His praise. It is the un-cynical, naive part that loves Him unconditionally and trusts Him implicitly. It is that part of me that wants to give Him everything I can.
So here I am, a stronger and more confident woman, and a softer and more dependant little girl. Confusing? Yeah, for me too and for Mac I think, but He loves me because of it. That little girl part of me is as precious to Him as the woman I have become. Success or failure, sweet and gentle or kick-ass and self-confident, He loves me. No exceptions. None needed here.
I think it is that child part of me that has so much trouble coping when He isn't here. It is that part that is constantly looking for His hand to hold and when I don't find it where I expect it to be, it is that part of me that wants to curl up in a little ball and cry. Luckily enough that self-confident part of me has grown enough to keep me functioning until He makes it home again.
Please don't get me wrong. I am not saying that I am two separate people or have two separate personalities. They meld together, mix and blend into making me, me. The trust of the little girl allows the woman to be a complete and utter slut, the confidence builds the trust, it all works together to round out the one personality. These are just two parts I recognise. There are probably more pieces, I know I can be a petulant little cow at times and at other times, I can be a nasty little bitch. I try not to talk about those bits though. I don't like them as much as I like these.
Has this helped me any? I don't know yet. I will have to wait and see what the rest of the day brings.
I do know it still feels like He is a long way away.