Kneeling before Him...
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Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Why is it that when you can't have sex is when you want it the most? Is this true for everyone or just for me? Does it really happen like that or does it just seem that way? Right now, with my body feeling the way it does, I should not be thinking about fucking, yet it occupies my mind more and more. I wake with Mac next to me and I so want to jump Him. I lie down into His arms at night and find myself wanting Him inside me so badly it hurts.
This happens on the first couple of days of my period as well. I tend to be bloated and sore and the furthest thing from my mind should be sex yet I think about it to the point of obsession. I don't really want Him to do it. I actually feel awful and don't really think I could handle Him being inside me, but I think about it constantly until I can have it again.
Perhaps it is Mac's fault. His smell reminds me of sex. His look reminds me of sex. His body is sex wrapped up in skin. He walks it, He talks it, He is raw unadulterated sex appeal. He is the good-looking guy with the bad boy attitude that makes girls like me wet at night. Sleeping with Him when I can't have sex is like going to bed hungry and sleeping next to steak. I would have Him every day if I could.
Yet Mac is so nonchalant about sex. He just takes what He wants when He wants to take it. He never seems to let anything about it bother Him. When we aren't having sex, it doesn't seem to worry Him. He has other things on His mind. On the other hand, during sex, He wallows completely in the decadence of it. Everything about it seems to turn Him on even more. It's just when it is over, that's enough for Him. Once He is contented, He doesn't seem to desire any more.
But I could come and come and come and still want more. I can make Him come and come and come and it isn't enough. I never get to a stage where I don't desire Him again and again. I would keep Him in bed and fuck Him constantly. It would be weeks, maybe months before I got bored.
Yesterday I woke with a fever and a raw sore throat. It was not a good sign. This new infection freshened the infection in my lungs and I started wheezing again so I spent another day at the doctors. We added a new course of antibiotics and an antiseptic mouthwash to the list of medications I am already on.
In spite of this, I was in a pretty good mood. I could have decided the world was against me (like I did last week) but there seems little point in self-pity right now. I am still a little confused at times, my reactions to teasing and to emotional issues are completely out of whack, and I am a lot tired, no matter how much sleep I get, including naps. But this is only a temporary set back. I am going to get better. I know that.
So last night Mac and I were talking about our past, about friends we knew before we were together, about women that He had been attracted too and about men that had made me drool a little bit.
We talked about times we were out together and had gotten really close. There were times that had He and I been any two other people from our group, we would have ended up in bed together. But Mac said that He always knew it would be too easy to break my heart and that He shouldn't go to any woman's bed unless He intended on staying in it. It's about wanting the woman not about wanting the sex. He said that for Him it was enough to know that He could and that she would, He didn't feel a need to prove anything. He told me that He looks back now and is jealous that Nicholas had me and He didn't, that all the time He held back, even at the closest of times when anyone else would have grabbed me and fucked me witless, Nicholas was not only fucking me, but fucking me the way I need to be fucked.
Now jealousy, especially over Nicholas never fails to make Mac's cock throb. He isn't jealous over any of the other men I had, not even the guy I was with for 18 months (Mac thinks he was a pussy), just Nicholas. I think it is because Nicholas was more like Mac then anyone else I dated, only Nicholas didn't have as much respect for others as Mac does. That's not quite what I mean, but it is as close as I can get to it. Perhaps I mean Nicholas didn't care who He hurt. Mac always tried to avoid hurting people if He could. Mac had better control, I think.
So Mac's cock was throbbing and really I was so sick that I should not have wanted it, but I did. I couldn't help it. I knew that He was aroused and my desire feeds on it and when I reached for Him and He protested that I was ill, I pouted and folded my arms and told Him that it wasn't ok and it did matter and I wanted it anyway. He gave it to me, telling me just before He came all over my hands and face that He was only doing it to stop me from fucking whining. I smiled smugly up at Him. I didn't care why. I had gotten what I wanted. I licked His semen from my fingers and told Him it was good for my throat.
He sent me to bed before I aroused Him again.
I sometimes wonder if there will ever come a time when I really just don't want to with Him. Somehow I doubt it. I just can't imagine it happening.
I already feel a need to make Him come again.