Kneeling before Him...
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Thursday, May 12, 2005
I was going to tell you all a huge sob story, but decided not to. Instead I will just tell you all Mac's reaction to my girly crying yesterday. My big tough rugby player pulled me onto His lap and asked me if I remembered the first time we kissed properly. Like I could ever forget.
Things were so confusing for us both at the time. We had both come out of long-term relationships and both of our exes were having trouble letting go. Mac and I were growing closer, our friendship getting stronger and the sexual tension between us had reached an all time high. It is a wonder we didn't set things around us alight. We hadn't quite gotten to the stage where we slipped and I gave Him a blowjob just inside my front door, but we were very close to that, maybe a week or so before.
Mac and I had spent a little time together this day, as we did more days then not and my boyfriend had been applying the pressure pretty hard. He just didn't seem to understand that it was over and I was at a point where it seemed easier just to let him have his way and stop fighting it, only I wasn't going to do it if I was risking whatever was going on between Mac and I so I asked Him what would change if I went back to my boyfriend.
Mac was very pragmatic, there was nothing going on between us and I should make my choice based on what I wanted, not on what I thought would be best for Him. He also said that I would never ever be happy with my boyfriend because my boyfriend needed me too much and that I was really looking for some danger, some excitement, and a spark with someone to make me feel alive. I told Him honestly that I knew of only one man that made me feel like that. He didn't even bother to ask who just kind of shrugged and said that there were other men out there if I just waited one would find me. He said I was too lovely not to be found. He added that I should be careful to make sure it was what I really wanted, that it was hard to go back to roses once you had played with fire.
Then totally unexpectedly on my part Mac kissed me hard and deep. My toes curled and my body whimpered for Him. He pulled away and I was left standing in front of Him.
"There," He said, "That's what danger tastes like. Sarah."
My hands had clenched into fists at my sides. "You have no idea how much I want that, Mac." I said.
He nodded. "Yeah, I think I do."
Then He pulled me into an embrace and held me tightly for just a few moments.
"Just be careful you don't get burnt." He said. Then He left.
"Gosh," He said last night while I was sitting in His lap. "You must have thought that I was just toying with you."
But I knew that He wasn't. We were both just trying to find the place that we fit in. I knew what it was like to wake up wanting this to happen and eat breakfast wanting it to be that and by lunchtime be so fed up with it all that all I wanted was to go back to bed. It was the same for Mac.
He smiled at me when I told Him that. He said that He had felt like He was being hunted and I had played it just right being sweet and gentle like I was.
"I wasn't playing." I said. "You made me feel so precious and special that it was easy to give You sweet and gentle back."
He tucked His fingers under my chin and lifted my face up to His. "You were precious and special." He said. Then He kissed me, a long, drawn out, soft, beautiful kiss before tucking me back into His chest again.
"I loved you then, Sarah." He whispered to me. "And I love you even more now."
And somewhere in it all I had gotten lost in Him and forgotten that I was supposed to be sad.
I thought that He and I were in some sort of mad honeymoon period between the time we talked about getting married and Him asking me to marry Him. We were so much in love that I knew that it was only a temporary thing. But it hasn't stopped. We haven't stopped feeling it.
Maybe it will go away, maybe it will lose its shine, and I think I will be ok with that. I look at Him now and know that if it goes, He and I will be able to get it back.
I believe in us.