Kneeling before Him...
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Wednesday, May 18, 2005
I was standing in the kitchen a few hours ago, pouring some juice into some glasses to go with the muesli that was already in a bowl on the table when I suddenly, unexpectedly burst into tears. I ended up on the floor, knees up to my chest, crying until I had nothing left. Took about twenty minutes I guess.
I had all this anger, frustration and sadness pent up inside of me. I have been holding in my disappointment since we got home on Sunday night. I feel that this is selfish of me, self-centred and pathetic, but then again I have not been nice to me these last couple of days so I doubt I would see it any other way. We had a wonderful weekend, totally self-indulgent and I didn't want it to end. I wanted us to be like that always. I wanted that level of control, that level of sharing, of being together because we never left each other's sight. For those 48 hours, no one else had to exist because we had each other. We could forget about the world and just concentrate on us. That is really what we did.
When we came home, I didn't want to see it for what it was, a break from reality, not a new reality we could stay inside of. I didn't want to let it go and when I was forced to by the intrusion that is life, I did what I do best and I withdrew. And Mac didn't understand, didn't get it at all because He sees these things in black and white. We can't live like that so there is no point in dwelling on it, accept it and move on and I let it hurt even more because as far as I could see, He didn't care. He slid back into reality seamlessly and I was left on my own. I withdrew some more.
Mac tried to talk to me about it, ask me what was wrong yesterday morning. He wondered why a coldness had suddenly slipped into our bed. I couldn't tell Him because yesterday morning, I didn't completely understand. I just felt like, like we were just friends and not lovers anymore. That absolute amazing depth of love that I felt from Him in the middle of the road on Saturday was just gone. I couldn't find it in His arms, no matter how many times I looked.
But He asked me why and because He asked I had to find the reason. I tried to put the emotion aside and follow my little drama logically. It took me most of the day playing it over and over again to find the source. I think it started the moment that He went upstairs on Sunday night to check emails before we went to bed. I felt an abandonment that I had no right to feel. I let it fester and I fed it with every appointment that He had and each email He wrote and phone call that He had to make. I let it become personal.
"Its just business." He told me last night when I tried to explain what it was I felt. I grew frustrated with Him because I know it is just business, that wasn't the point. Feelings are not logical and knowing it is business didn't stop me from feeling it as a rejection even if I told myself that it wasn't time and time again. I tried to explain again because I needed Him to understand and this time, He got it, at least a little. It was enough for Him to exhale and be thankful that it wasn't something worse. Then He told me that now I had worked out what it was, it had to stop. I wasn't to carry it on anymore. I gritted my teeth and told Him I would try.
I did try. I tried everything I could think of. I tried to distract myself with crafts, I tried reading a book, I tried a couple of different relaxation techniques and still at the end of the night my jaw ached from the clenching of my teeth. I slept with Mac but I might as well have slept alone. It sucked. I needed to feel Him close to me.
"If you want to be close to me, don't push me away," He said. "It's not fucking rocket science, you know." I wish I could be as logical as Him.
When I woke this morning my head was pounding with tension that I had caused myself to feel. Mac asked me what was wrong and in a quiet little voice I told Him that I needed more control from Him than just the order for it to stop. I told Him that I needed it to hurt.
If I try to make Mac hurt me, if I try to make Him drag me back while I kick and scream, He will let me run away from Him indefinitely. He doesn't believe in using His strength to make me submit. I do it willingly or not at all. But this morning it was different, I was asking Him for help and He understood that it was not something I desired so much as needed from Him. A re-establishment of roles, re-enforcement of who we are, sometimes I need that to make me stop hurting me.
So Mac fucked me, hard, without any love or tenderness. He referred to me only as a 'fucking bitch' and He slapped me when He spat that name at me. He sucked, bit and marked my breasts then stretched my cunt open with the biggest dildo we own. He made me get onto my knees. His cock was pushed into the back of my throat and with one hand I held onto the dildo in my cunt while I tried to stop myself from choking on Him. He didn't stop. He ordered me to fuck myself. He made me call Him 'Sir' each time His cock left my mouth. He held on tightly to my hair and I came as He was pumping His semen deep into my throat. When He let me go, I coughed it over the floor.
He stood in front of me, watching me for a moment. He asked if I was all right and I said I was and without touching me He walked out of the room. I heard the shower turn on. I got up and cleaned up and went downstairs to make Him some breakfast while He showered. His toast was cooking, my muesli was waiting patiently, the orange juice filled the glasses and my breasts ached from His teeth marks, my pussy felt stretched, my cheeks still burnt. And I just broke.
Mac found me there, on the floor, my knees held tightly to my chest while I sobbed and He sat on the floor next to me and pulled me close.
"It's ok." He whispered as He stroked my hair. "I needed it too."
And I knew He didn't mean that He needed to hurt me or humiliate me. He had just needed us to reconnect and the balance of power between us to be restored. He may be the one with the control in this relationship, but I certainly can throw a spanner in the works. I don't know why I do it, why when I need to submit the most, when I need His guidance and control, I get scared of what I feel and push Him away. I somehow feel that I am doing Him a favour when I really am only hurting Him too. I have no right to sabotage us like this and if He were to do it to me, I would be devastated. It is completely unfair of me.
I love Him so much. Why do I keep hurting Him this way?