Kneeling before Him...
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Tuesday, May 24, 2005
I woke this morning with the thought that she was holding onto him while he slept and that he wasn't hers to hold on to but she didn't know what else to do. That was all. I sat down here with nothing more than that thought and let my fingers type until they stopped. Below is what came out.
I don't know why this thought came to me now and I don't know if I want to understand what it means. Maybe just this once it is nothing more than a cute little story that came out of Sarah while she was asleep. I hope you like it.
She held onto him while he slept. She knew it was the wrong thing to do, he wasn't hers to be holding onto, but she wasn't sure what was the right thing anymore. She loved him. As stupid as it was, it was that simple. She loved him and she knew he didn't love her. To him she was just a place to empty his cock and rest his head. To him she might as well be a two-bit whore.
And she hated herself for wanting him, for needing him, a deep seeded loathing that had been with her since she was a child. She had always needed someone, something to hold onto. It had never mattered if they needed her back.
How many times had they hurt her? How many times had they taken away her self-esteem? They tore at her like birds fighting over a piece of bread. She meant nothing to them except what she could give them and she could give them everything. They took it, as long as she didn't ask for anything back. They always left her when she was empty. They had no use for her when there was nothing left to give.
She hated herself for never being able to say no and as she lay there watching this one sleep she knew she would lie down with him the next time he came to her door. She couldn't help it, didn't want to help it. She wanted to force him to feel something for her, she wanted to make him need her, she wanted him to ache for her the way she always ached for him. But he was incapable of caring, incapable of feeling anything for her beyond the need in his groin that could be sated anywhere with anyone. She was just one among a dozen that was at his beck and call. He could have anyone. Why would he want only her?
She kissed him, softly, gently while he slept because it would never do to let him know. He couldn't hurt her if he had no clue. The sex would have to be enough with him. She smiled quietly as she felt his semen leak onto her thigh and she closed her eyes and let herself drift off to sleep.
His eyes opened slowly and he drank her in while slept. She was pretty, very pretty and god, how it thrilled him when he made her come. She was achingly beautiful then. He wished that for a moment, for just a moment he could make her see what he saw. She had no clue that she could make his heart melt with a smile and how much he liked to make her laugh. She was so serious all the time and he loved it when he broke through the protective shell she wore to keep the world out. He would have torn the walls down permanently if he could, if she would let him.
But she wasn't his. He couldn't allow himself to forget that. She belonged to someone else and as much as he wanted to keep her, he couldn't tell her. What if she chose the other? What if she didn't want him? He couldn't open himself to that rejection. He couldn't let her know.
"Hey," he said softly and he watched her eyes flicker open slowly and a lazy contented smile spread across her face. He wanted nothing more than to hold onto her forever. "I have to go. I shouldn't have fallen asleep."
Her eyes clouded over and she shut him out again. She didn't speak, just nodded and then watched him while he quickly dressed. He made it to the bedroom door before he had to stop. He couldn't leave like this. He would stay with her forever if only she asked him to.
She watched him stand by the door and she wanted him to stay. She would keep him here forever if he told her he wanted to stay.
"Will I see you again soon?" she finally asked when the silence had stretched too far.
"Sure." He answered and he smiled the best that he could manage. She tried to smile back.
Then he turned and walked away.
She let him go.