Kneeling before Him...
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Tuesday, May 03, 2005
There was a moment just before Mac went away where I found myself tightly clinging to Him. He let me do it, just for a moment. That was all I needed. Then I found it easier to let go. I apologised to Him immediately, told Him that I was being silly, that I was finding it so hard to let go of Him lately. He smiled at me very patiently.
"Sarah, you have been sick, your body is exhausted and you can't seem to give it enough rest. It is ok for you to need me. That's what I am here for. If you can't cling to me when you need to, then what bloody use am I? I will smack you in the mouth when it is enough." He said.
I started to cry and He kissed away the tears. He told me that I had been so soft and gentle and loving of late and that He appreciated and loved it. He told me not to change. Then He went away because He had to go, not because of anything that I had done. I really was ok.
And then each day I had to struggle with myself not to go and change. I wanted to. I felt very vulnerable and alone. I think that is what I have felt the most, just lonely, even when I was with family and friends. It is like He leaves a different kind of void that no one else can fill. We have had contact, we have emailed each other or left messages for each other daily and we have talked at least once every three days. (Yesterday it was three times, but the last time was only because He was slightly drunk and couldn't find the remote for the television.) It is the times that we talked that were the hardest for me. My head told me to shut Him out, be cold towards Him and keep Him at bay, but my heart said not to waste this time on silly games.
I could have whinged at Him. I could have whined. I could have cried and thrown tantrums and carried on about Him not being here. I could have screamed that He is not here when I need Him to be. I could have tried to make Him feel bad because late at night when I haven't spoken to Him, all the demon thoughts come out to play. I could have done these things and made Him feel guilty about His trip. I have done it to Him before.
But you see, that is not the way to make me feel better. It is not the way to make me hurt less. It doesn't bring me pleasure to cause Him pain. It doesn't make us stronger as a pair. It builds a divider, a wall we have to break down and I am tired of trying to hold a wall between us when all I really want to do is love Him as much as I can.
So there has been no whinging whiney girl and although I can't say there have been no tears, they have been few and far between. I have not tried to force Him into guilt. I have not tried to make Him wish He were home. He already wants to be here, I know.
So instead of whining, I told Him about my day and instead of tears, I laughed with Him about His day. Instead of making Him feel bad, I told Him that I loved Him and instead of throwing a tantrum, I quietly told Him He was missed.
He told me last night that the gentler I become, the stronger His desire to posses me is. I have a feeling I will be properly used when He gets here. He should be here sometime tonight.
I can hardly wait.