Kneeling before Him...



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Thursday, June 23, 2005


I was hoping that today I could tell you all about what happened when Mac came home yesterday because He was hoping to get home. That didn't happen though, so it will be either today or tomorrow before He gets here. I have to be patient, only patience is a virtue and I think we have established that I am not very virtuous.

So now I have to try and think of something else to write only I don't really feel like writing today. I have an awful urge to paint. I have had the urge all week and have been frustrated every time something else got in the way. (Like eating, drinking, going to the bathroom, all unnecessary things when I am painting.) So writing this week has been a real test of discipline and I have been really proud of me up until today. Today I am looking at the blank page before me and going blah at it. Maybe I should try again after I have a cup of tea.

Yesterday I needed to go to the gym. Mac was funny about it when I first said that I wanted to join one. He can be quite sexist at times. (Yeah I know. That is a big surprise to you all.) As far as He is concerned, gyms are meant for men, not women, and especially not His girl. He didn't want me building up muscles. He likes that I am a girly girl. I didn't want to join to build muscles, it was only ever meant for toning up what I already had and when I said it was a female only gym that I wanted to join He changed His mind.

"Oh," He said. "A girly gym. That's fine then, go ahead." And He has never said a thing about it since. Apparently girly gyms don't count as a real gym.

So yesterday I went to the gym because I have lost some weight and although I don't need to lose anymore I do need to tone up where I have lost it and although I wanted to paint, I keep thinking that the wedding is only four months away and that is not really all that far and so I made myself get up and go.

I drank a bottle of water while I worked out, then I showered and without even thinking about still being thirsty I walked out the door and jumped in the car to come home. I wanted to get back to painting so badly that it was all I was thinking about.

I was almost halfway home when I realised that I wasn't just thirsty, my head was starting to hurt because I was so dehydrated and my body was still hot from the work out so my already low fluid levels were dropping rapidly. I had been a little dehydrated before I had even started working out because as I said, when I am painting I don't always stop to have a drink. I knew that I would pretty quickly end up in a bad way so I stopped at a little shop that I usually pass so that I could get another drink.

I went in and I went to the refrigerator and when I opened the door I automatically reached for a bottle of coke. I had a sudden craving for it. I had the bottle in my hand and was letting the door shut when I made myself stop and put it back and get a bottle of water instead. I think my body wanted the sugar but the caffeine would have made the dehydration worse and if I put that much sugar back into me I would need another hour or two at the gym.

I went to the counter with my bottle of water and there was a man standing there watching me. He was smiling and he said "good girl" and I suddenly went all coy. I know those words are ones I always crave, but it was more in the way it was said. He sounded like he was really proud of me for choosing water over coke, and I found I couldn't look at him. I was blushing and smiling really shyly. I paid for my drink quickly and I went to the door of the shop and couldn't help but turn around for another glance at this man. He was still standing there, still smiling at me and I grinned back before walking out to my car.

I sat in the drivers seat and cracked the bottle and drank almost half in one go. Then I gave myself a little time to think. Was I really craving dominance that much that one little 'good girl' would make me go all girlishly silly? I guess the answer was yes. I obviously was. I shook my head at me.

"For goodness sake Sarah, get a grip." I said. Then I frowned at me for talking to myself.

I sipped the rest of the bottle as I drove home. I kept a jug of water next to me the rest of the day only having to go down and fill it twice so I drank three times as much as I would have if I just had a glass. I am not dehydrated anymore.

So I am craving dominance, which hardly surprises me. Mac was so very overpoweringly dominant before He left and I was so very submissive to Him. I think it is only natural for me to miss it. I just didn't realise how close to the surface it still is and perhaps I let it get a little closer yesterday because I knew He would be back very soon.

I just really want Him home with me again.

And I am really proud of me for managing to write today. I didn't think I could. It may not be the best I have ever written, but I still wrote something about the way I feel. That guy was right. I am a good girl!

Now I can go and do my painting. You have no idea what a relief it will be.

Posted by Sarah McBroden at 7:54 am

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