Kneeling before Him...
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Tuesday, June 28, 2005
A few weeks back while Mac was away, before 'the week' I met a man. He was everything I expect a man to be, rough, arrogant and incapable of showing more than a passing interest in anyone. He was constantly moving on to the next target. I wanted his target to be me and so I put myself in his sights. I chased him.
I don't mean I tracked him and hunted him down like a dog, but I engaged the conversations, I kept him talking when it looked like he was going to move on and then I submitted to him. It doesn't sound like a big deal when I put it that way. I can downplay it really well, but the truth is, I was on the verge of giving everything to this guy I hardly knew. I was close to even giving Mac and I away. It was a lot closer than I wish I had to admit.
I can make excuses for me. I made excuses all weekend. Mac wasn't here and in all honesty, I thought He was leaving me. He took a job that meant more travel and had told me He wasn't sure where we fit in. I thought it was His way of saying that He didn't want me anymore, the basic insecurity coming out in me. I have had a strong urge to submit, a really strong urge. Even Mac says I have been seeking out submission more and more. It has become more important to me. I need it. I am self-destructive without it. Mac says that it scares Him that I seem capable of ripping out my heart in an effort to submit. It scares me too.
I didn't tell Mac about it as soon as it happened. In fact I never mentioned it until this weekend. I kept it to myself because I believed that Mac would back away further from me if He knew that there was someone I had an interest in. Then things between Mac and I righted them selves, we had 'the week' and fell in love with each other all over again and I didn't think of that man. I just put him behind me and moved on. I probably would not have thought of him again, only I bumped into him on Friday and I had an instant reaction to him. I knew then that I had to talk to Mac about it.
And it hurt Him. I knew it would but He had a right to know. Mac asked questions a little at a time, absorbing each until He was ready to ask for all of it. Then finally Sunday night Mac asked just how far it went and I told Him everything from beginning to end. I only asked once if I could stop but Mac said no, He wanted to hear it all. I hated myself as I sat there and spilled everything. I could see the hurt on His face and I was unable to stop Him from hurting more. I couldn't lie, not about this. I wanted to, god how I wished I could but it all came out anyway. I did not fuck this guy, we didn't kiss, we didn't even touch each other much and he never got my top off or my panties down, but I submitted to him, I lusted his dominance and I was so eager to please him that I almost gave up my control.
What I did was bad, don't let the fact that we didn't fuck fool you. It was close, damn close. Another 10 minutes and we probably would have been. But it was all so fast, I couldn't get a breath and Mac was sounding very loudly in my mind. I wanted Mac. I needed Mac. I wanted Mac to come and take me away from there. I wanted Mac to make it all right again. I wanted Mac to control it, to make me ok. I wanted Mac. Just Mac. That was all. And as soon as this guy gave me the chance to take a breath I used it to walk away. I made the choice. I decided that I wasn't ready to give Mac and Sarah up. I wanted Mac. Not this guy.
Mac forgave me, utterly and completely. He understood that I was feeling very alone and was very vulnerable. He understood that I had wanted Him to save me, but He wanted me to also understand that my reaction to this man was the desire for control, not a desire for the man himself. He was right. When forced to look at it I can see that this man did not dominate me so much as I submitted to him and let him think it was his idea. I was so desperate for control that I seduced him into controlling me, which means that he was never really in control. I cannot say how disgusted I am in me. And how the thought of that guy now makes me cringe.
When I admitted it, Mac took me in His arms and held onto me. He told me that now He could say that the guy was a total prick. I was scared and I was vulnerable and this guy saw it as a chance to get his end away instead of just allowing me some space to be me. As far as Mac is concerned there is never a good reason for a man to take advantage of a woman's vulnerability and I had told this guy I was scared, told him I was confused and instead of backing off, he had just kept pushing me.
Mac kissed me and stroked my hair and told me I was beautiful and that my need for submission just made me more delicious to Him. It didn't turn Him off, it didn't make Him hate me, He just wanted to protect me even more.
Later as Mac worked in His study and I sat in my room, I became scared that being forgiven was not enough and I went to Him again.
"Hey" He said as I walked in the door.
"What are You doing?" I asked.
"Just thinking." He said and He smiled at me a little sadly and my heart bled for Him and for me.
I went to Him and I knelt and put my head against His leg. "I am so sorry." I said.
"Shhhhh," He murmured. "You are forgiven, there is nothing to be sorry for."
"But I am not forgiven. I can see how much You are hurting."
"Yes, it hurts, but baby, that doesn't mean I don't forgive you, it doesn't mean that I don't love you, it just means that not all the pain has gone away."
"Then why do I feel like we are just holding on?" I asked.
Mac tilted my head back by the chin. "You feel like you are just holding on, Sarah?"
"No," I whispered. "I feel like You are."
He shook His head at me. "Sarah, baby, listen to me. If I wanted to walk away, you have given me a perfect excuse. If I wanted to go, now would be the time to go. But look at me. I am here, loving you, holding you close to me. I am not going anywhere and neither are you."
I climbed up into His lap and I kissed Him all over His face. He held me and kissed my tears away. Our kisses became more intense. He grabbed my hair and pulled my head back.
"I am filled with intense jealous lust." He said.
"I want it." I whispered breathlessly.
He led me too the bedroom and in all His anger and hurt and in all His jealous lust He made the softest, sweetest, gentlest love to me. When He came He called out my name. "Sarah. I love you, Sarah. Oh god, Sarah, I love you." And I cried as He shuddered in my arms.
When He was finished He kissed away my tears again and smoothed down my hair. "Did that feel like I was just holding on, sweetheart?" He whispered.
I shook my head and pulled Him close to me again.
I don't think we have really let each other go since then.
And I am not sure that we will for a while yet.