Kneeling before Him...
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Wednesday, June 29, 2005
I am not quite sure how to say this any clearer than I have already said in the past. To me, submission is not something I do or something I give away. To me, submissive is something I am. I know that it is not like this for all other people. I don't even know if it is like this for most. I know that there are people out there that can turn off and on their submission like a tap. I cannot. That is why I have spent so many years hiding my submission from the world. That is why for so many years I was, lets see, how did Mac put it? Oh yeah, gloomy and taut. I spent so many years repressing the side of me that Mac finds so utterly delicious simply because our society says that part of me is wrong and weak. I am not a nasty person, I am not abrasive, I am not a bitch. I avoid conflict to the point that I will concede a defeat rather than keep arguing my point even if I know 100% I am right if the other person starts to become aggressive. The fastest and most effective way to make me back down is simply to yell at me. I will close down immediately. But I became a bitch to protect the fact that I am so damn vulnerable to the rest of the world. I didn't ask for this. I never wanted to be submissive. I never set out to make myself like this. It is just what I am. I don't always believe it is a good thing. Sometimes I wish I could be an utter ruthless bitch to get the things I want. But I can't do it and be true to myself. That is just the way it is.
My submission is not a gift. I never have and never will see it as such. It will never be something that I give to one man or give to many. It is a natural reaction I have when there is someone that I perceive as stronger than me. I submit to Mac because I know He is stronger than me. If allowed I will submit to others that are stronger than me too. I don't make a choice. The submission is there if I recognise it or not. I will submit subconsciously. It will be unrecognised, ignored, accepted or abused. That is just the way it is.
Mac told me last night that I have been utterly delectable of late. That since we have both been more attentive to my submission, since He has been more protective, since I have stopped denying it again, I have sparkled in our everyday life. He can hardly take His eyes off me when we are out. He wants to be around me when He is home simply because I am delightful to be around. I am soft and gentle, I am happy and content, He is enjoying my femininity and I only feel safe enough to let it come out when Mac is here to watch over me. Yes this is about my insecurities. Yes I am not a well-balanced person with out Him, because without Him I have to push that gentle side of me away. Without Him I can't be the real person that I am. Without Him the world is too ready to take advantage of what I have inside of me for me to feel safe. He is my protector. He accepts that role in my life. He knows who I am better than anyone else does and that is the person that He loves. It is His choice to be right here with me. He accepts that to have me, the real submissive me, is to take on the role of my protector, my lover, my provider and my friend. That is just the way it is.
I think Mac put it well last night when we were discussing our relationship.
"I am utterly and ruthlessly selfish with you when it comes to sex, use you as I will and if you enjoy, fine, if not, tough. But the rest Sarah, the rest is my part of the deal."
So if He accepts all of me just the way I am, tell me again why I need therapy?
Thank you all for your comments yesterday. They all meant a lot to me.