Kneeling before Him...
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Friday, June 17, 2005
I am not sure how much I should share in this next bit of the day. It got so personal and I am not sure people will understand. Mac did something to me that I have often fantasised about. He and I had discussed doing it some months before but we never had because the time had never been right. I guess what we did was not that bad, not that dirty or shocking, but the effect it had on me was something that I didn't expect. I guess I have to tell it properly to give you all a chance to understand. I am nervous as I write this, but I wanted the whole week captured and this was so very important to us both.
When we woke we both got out of bed and did a few of the things that needed to be done, packing, dinner, last minute work, things like that. Anytime I passed Mac in the hall or was in the same room as Him, He would pull my head back by my hair to kiss my lips, or grab my throat, or caress my breasts, or tell me I was a slut, a bitch, a whore and make me repeat it back to Him. At dinner He did it all. There had not been a single moment all day when I was not completely aware of Him. I had nothing left to guard against Him. I could not have been more open to Him. Everything I had was His.
We had most of Mac's stuff packed except for the last minute things like the laptop and some toiletries that He would need in the morning before He left and we were standing together in the bedroom. I was still wearing the now completely come-soaked thong and I smelled heavily of sex. I found myself blushing under His steady gaze. I lowered my eyes and I am not sure why because He hadn't said anything to me. I just felt a need to submit even to His look. His phone rang and I stood quietly while He took the call. Another day I might have walked away, another day I might have thrown Him an evil look but that day, I just waited knowing that He would come back to me when the call was over. There was no hurry. Whatever it was that was happening between us, it wasn't finished and I knew that Mac wasn't going anywhere until it was over.
He hung up the phone and said that He needed to answer an email that someone was waiting for. I nodded quietly but still said nothing. I didn't feel a need to reproach Him, no reprisals, sometimes work has to be done first, besides, when He was finished it, His time would be mine.
As He was walking out of the bedroom door He stopped and turned to me. "Ice, Sarah." He said. Three pieces. You know what to do with them. I will be back before they have melted."
"Yes Sir." I said easily and He went to His study and I headed downstairs. I brought the ice cubes back up to the bedroom and took off my top and skirt, leaving only my panties on. I knelt on the floor and inserted an ice-cube inside of me. The other two I ran over my nipples and breasts, stopping now and then to push the ice back inside me or rub it over my cunt.
Mac came back into the room just before the last of the ice was gone. I was still kneeling on the floor and I can only imagine what He saw. My breasts were red from the cold and the nipples tight and erect. My cunt felt swollen and there was water dripping to the floor as well as trickling down my legs.
"Dirty little slut," He whispered. His words were almost a caress. I looked up at Him still panting from the intensity of the ice and all I saw was the empty bottle He was holding in His hand. I stopped breathing as the realisation of why He was holding it hit me. I looked into His eyes and I shook my head at Him. He couldn't be thinking that now. We had discussed it months before, last year probably, about my humiliation fantasy of being fucked with a bottle by a room full of men. We had talked about doing it, but it had been months and we hadn't. I had not even thought about it in a while and yet, He was standing there, holding a bottle and I knew what it was for.
"I am going use this to fuck your cunt." He said simply.
"God." The metallic taste of adrenaline filled my mouth "Yes. Please Sir yes."
"On the bed then, bitch." He said.
And He didn't humiliate me. In some ways I think that would have been easier to take. Instead He whispered to me about lovemaking and adoration, and He kissed me gently and caressed me softly and He loved me while this bottle, this non-sexual object was inside of me. I was defenceless. I felt utterly and totally disgusted in my sexual arousal and completely and totally in love with Him. He debased me, turned me into nothing but a toy and at the same time made me feel like the most precious girl on the earth. My body clashed with my heart, my morals clashed with my sexuality, my mind gave up trying to absorb it all and I came simply because He told me I should. I was jerking His cock and He spurted over my cunt and the heat of His spunk made me feel so ashamed and so complete and I started to cry because there was nothing left for me to give, nothing at all. I had never been so completely helpless. I didn't just have a lack of control over me, I had nothing. I wasn't tied and had I told Him to stop He would have, but I couldn't raise my hand and I couldn't tell Him to stop, it was beyond me. I wasn't just under His control, I was broken. Not as in needing to be fixed, I mean that I had no will of my own. God. My words are so inadequate here. How can I describe something so much inside of me that I am still afraid of it? I don't understand it. I can't believe it is in me, but god, I want Him to go there again. I want to feel like that again. I want to surrender to it and to Him. I didn't know I could do that. I didn't know that it was possible. It felt so incredibly huge, so much bigger than I am. I cried for a long time. I wasn't really sad, I was just so overwhelmed by it all and nothing Mac said or did could console me and I couldn't explain it to Him. He asked me too, but just like here today, my words and descriptions of what happened are inadequate.
Why did it happen? I mean it was just a bottle after all, but I think it was so powerful because it was not a sexual object. It wasn't a dildo or vibrator or sex balls, it was just an everyday thing. He put something inside me that was not meant to be inside me and He messed with my mind while He did it and it pushed me into a level of submission that we had not been to before. Mac said He knew it was going to be intense from the moment I had said 'God. Yes. Please Sir yes' in that breathless little voice. He could tell the effect it had on me right away. He made it loving because this week has been all about submission and love. I might be a lying bitch, but I was His lying bitch. I may be a whore, but I am His angel too. I may be constantly ready to fuck Him and take the spunk from His balls, but He was always ready to make me moan with pleasure in return. He wanted me to understand that it isn't just about sex, our sex is about love, affection, and adoration, and that I don't just own His cock, I have His heart and mind as well.
It was such an important week for us both to have. It was something that we both needed.
I said earlier in the week that I cannot see how this level of submission could be maintained while He wasn't here and I still stand by that. I have to fend for myself in a nasty old world while He isn't around. I cannot be that Sarah, the completely submissive one, when I have to deal with life on my own. I don't have the same level of confidence or feel as safe and I will never cope as well knowing that I can't always reach out to Him. I just function at my best when I am tightly controlled. The tighter the better. But even when Mac is here He doesn't have the patience or the time to always hold me that tightly under His control. Last week was a taste of what it would be like if we could make the world wait for us. In truth, I don't believe people are supposed to live that way. I think it can only be that intense for short periods of time. I am supposed to be at a level where I can function on my own and still give Him the best of me.
This week I seem to have found that balance. I have not felt as alone as I did last time He was away. Sure I have moments where I do fall apart and moments where I get angry because He isn't here to catch me when I fall, but I feel happy and content the majority of the time. We have been in touch most days and He keeps reminding me that I belong to Him and will for a very long time. He isn't going to leave me. I know that now. I just have to keep believing it until He comes back home again.
I think a part of me is still in awe of everything we made our week into.
I am sure I will come back to it again.