Kneeling before Him...
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Monday, June 06, 2005
I received an email on the weekend from an 'old married lady' and along with the comments here, I thought perhaps it was time I put in an appearance. Thank you all for not forgetting about me and for encouraging me to write again. I am not sure that the batteries have been recharged, but I am not doing any better not writing, so I should try to see if writing helps.
Mac is away. He has been for over two weeks. We have hardly spoken to each other. He has been out of touch most of the time due to the country He was in. He received a promotion, which is great, He deserves it, but unfortunately it means He will be spending a lot more time away from home. We are trying to work out how to incorporate us into this new job. Mac has asked me to have some patience while He tries to find His feet. He will be home in the next couple of days, but a lot of it will be spent settling His old office into a new routine without Him. Then He will be gone again and we can't be sure for how long.
He loves me. I know that. He cares about me and is missing me. But there is a part of me that believes that I am being left behind. I told Him that I feel unimportant and although He disagrees with me, He understands why I feel the way I do. He sees no way out of it right now. I told Him I am prepared to wait a reasonable amount of time to see if I fit into this new life, but also that it hurts to know that I am supposed to 'fit in' somewhere. I know He didn't mean for it to be that way, but it is the way it is. Some times things are the way we don't mean for them to be. I also told Him in an email that if He thought I was going to sit around the house pining for Him, He was nuts. I have been going out, making new friends without Him and getting into all sorts of safe, sane trouble. (Well safe, sane, drunken trouble for the second Friday night in a row.)
He replied that I had made Him throb with jealous lust and that He adored my girlie smarts for knowing it would work on Him the way it did. It wasn't the only reason I told Him, but I did know it would work. I have known him a long time and studied Him well. I know Him better than He sometimes knows Himself. I keep telling myself that no matter what, Mac and I were meant to be. He is so caught up in the real world that He needs a dreamer like me to remind Him that there is still magic in the world. I am so caught up in dreaming that I need Him to remind me to put my feet on the ground now and then. We compliment each other's strengths and weaknesses. We make each other into better people and we do it just by being ourselves. I keep telling myself that I won't let this job come between us. I won't let it pull us apart, but in the dark of the night, that awful little voice creeps back in and reminds me that I don't know how to hold onto someone that isn't in my bed and I start to question how much I am really a part of Mac, how much of us is just the pleasure that I bring Him and if I can't bring Him pleasure am I any use to Him at all. That little voice is what takes away my happiness. I no longer have a shine.
God though, I love Him so much.
I just can't imagine my life without Him in it.