Kneeling before Him...
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Tuesday, June 21, 2005
I was thinking about jealousy and how I was jealous of that woman throwing her self at Mac when we were out a couple of Fridays ago and how jealousy comes in different degrees. That night, although the woman made my stomach tight a few times, she did not make me want to hurt her. In fact the jealousy I felt that night made me more attracted to Mac. I wanted to please Him more because of her. Sometimes it doesn't happen that way.
The worst case of jealousy that I have ever had happened when Mac was in China a few months back. He rang me from His hotel room to tell me He was going out to dinner with a beautiful American woman. I actually felt my fingernails sharpen into claws. Without ever laying eyes on this woman, I wanted to hurt her, just like that. I think it was because He was so far away and I couldn't do anything about her. I could not compete with her.
Then the Bastard told me that the man that He was working with had asked Him to dinner and Mac had told him He would only come if the beautiful American woman came too. The man had called the woman and she had accepted. At that point there, I was ready to take out Mac's eyes too. Mac could tell what effect this was having on me and was enjoying Himself at my over reaction. I was furious with Him, angry above proportion and He thought it was quite funny.
"Sarah," He said chuckling. "She is this guy's wife, babe. I haven't even met her. I just thought it was wrong to leave her sitting at home while he was out to dinner, so I invited her along."
"I DON'T CARE." I exploded. The jealousy was too in control of me to accept that Mac would hardly be making out with an associates wife. "I don't want You to go."
Mac still thought it was funny and brushed me off. "Don't be silly. I have to go." And He said His goodbyes and hung up.
And I stayed angry, stomping around, throwing things, letting tears of frustration spill. I didn't want Him out with some beautiful American. I wanted Him home with me, not looking at someone else.
He called me when He got back from dinner and I said hello rather petulantly. Mac ignored it. He told me that His dinner date was enchanting, a beautiful female that kept Him thoroughly entertained.
"I don't want to hear about your stupid dinner date." I said and the phone went dead. I actually said "Oh fuck."
I had a feeling that Mac had not hung up and I knew He would be thinking that I had because of the petulant mood I was in. I sat there a frowning as I tried to call Him back. I knew that if I didn't I would be in it really deep. It took a couple of minutes to get through.
"What the fuck happened then?" He said with eerie calmness.
"We got disconnected," I said quickly. "I didn't hang up, I promise."
"Just as fucking well." He said. I am not allowed to do the hang up and flounce off thing. Ever. No matter what. "So," He continued, "as I was saying, my dinner date was charming. Bit of a messy eater though. But I am told it is to be expected at 6 weeks old."
"What?" I said.
"Yeah," He said. "They brought the baby with them. God she was gorgeous. Such a sweet little thing. And her mother breast fed her, right at the table with us!"
All the jealousy I had felt just melted away. Not sure why, guess because a woman with a new baby is not looking for a man when the baby's father is there to provide for her and hers. Maybe it also had something to do with the way that Mac was enchanted with the baby. I could hear it in His voice. The mother had not made half the impression that the baby had. Babies make Him go all soft and gooey. He is so very gentle with them. It's always wonderful to see. In any case, the jealousy that had raged in me all through the middle of the day (time zones) was completely gone and I went soft and gooey talking to Him.
"Women!" He said.
"What?" I asked
"Well, if I told you that some woman had sat across the table from me with her breast out, you would be furious, but because she had a baby, you think it is adorable!"
"It's different." I said.
"AND," He went on, "if I asked a woman sitting across the table from me to take out her breast, she would probably slap me, but give her a baby and nothing will stop her."
"It's different." I said again. I could just imagine Him shaking His head at me.
But it was different. Before He told me about the baby, I felt so vulnerable, even when I knew He was just teasing me. I couldn't seem to turn it off. The jealousy was making me so out of control. I would have held onto the anger and sulkiness a lot longer had the baby not been there. It was the baby that took the awful feelings away. I couldn't be jealous because she was there.
Babies are just amazing things.