Kneeling before Him...



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Thursday, June 09, 2005

We went out last night. We both wanted to go, although we both also wanted to stay home and have lots of sex. In the end we went because people were expecting us and we had already had sex earlier in the day. Even He and I need a break from it now and then. So we went out to celebrate Mac's promotion with some of the people from the office.

It was fun at first. Mac and I were having a good time being out together again. It had been a long time since we had. We were pretty loud and we made each other laugh a lot and it would have stayed fun only these two sour old women decided that Mac and I were enjoying each other too much and one called Mac and I annoying in a very round about way. Her friend was quick to back her up. They thought they were being so very clever in their little backstabs and underhanded jibes. It was done so subtly that I had to point it out to Mac. He doesn't always pick up on nastiness and we were having so much fun that this just passed by Him.

Once He realised what they were doing, Mac, who never puts up with such crap, called them on it, telling them that their rudeness was unnecessary and inappropriate. They got flustered and moved away from us. They stayed just close enough so I could hear one talking about how big Mac's ego was. Fortunately Mac's ego is big enough not to give a damn what they thought. He told me to ignore the 'surly old bat' and we went on to discuss something else and make each other laugh again.

Thing is, Mac and I were not excluding anyone. We were talking in general about things such as Churchill quotes and bon mots and just about anything else we thought of. We were not having a secret 'insider only' conversation that no one else would get. We were encouraging people to join in and having fun together at the same time. I have no idea at all what we did to offend them. I asked Mac about it after we got home.

He said it was simple really. They wanted to insult us and embarrass us because we were getting the attention. We had more spark, were prettier and wittier so out came the knives. And when Mac stood up to the back handed insults instead of slinking away, both women were completely unsure what to do. I guess they had been allowed to get away with their bitchiness for too long.

It rolled off Mac. He probably hasn't given it a moment's thought since I asked Him about it. It didn't roll off me. I have come back to it and thought it over again and again. I have gotten both angry and sad over it. I will never understand why women have to be so underhandedly nasty. The way I see it you either say what you mean openly and honestly or you shut up. I am no good at bitchy little games, I never have been. Sometimes I just think I was not meant to be a part of this world. I am not equipped to cope with the meanness of people. I told Mac this. He kissed my cheek.

"I am." He said. "That is why you have me."

I have been feeling my submission very intensely over the past few weeks instead of retreating like it should have done. I have hidden much of me from the world because I didn't think I could cope without a hand to hold. The times I did go out, it was to be in the company of men I knew would be dominant, or to movies where I could get lost inside my imagination while sitting in the dark. I wanted to badly to submit to someone. I was searching hard for someone to take control. I was lost when I couldn't find anyone to help me. I was frightened and I felt so alone.

And in all that time, when I felt vulnerable and weak, not once did I think I would feel better about myself by putting someone else down. Not once did I even contemplate that it could be a way to boost my confidence. It is wrong to make someone else feel bad so that you can feel good. I have spent too much time being the one feeling bad to ever want to do it to someone else.

In all the time I have known Him, I have never known Mac to do it either. He has never felt a need too. We both have the intelligence and vocabulary to do it. I have been known to send men into a fast retreat when a polite no has not gotten the message across. Mac has been known to do the same when He has been with me and a man has not understood that I was not interested but it doesn't make either of us feel better about who we are. It is simply a line of defence.

But Mac understands it and accepts it in a way that I can't. I allow it to hurt me and I shouldn't. It's almost like I have no filter against it, perhaps because in my submission to Mac, especially when it feels so deep, all of my defences are down. I have questioned before the healthiness of my submission when feeling this way. I have asked myself if it is not wrong to leave myself so vulnerable in a world always so ready to attack. I am not always sure that He and I are doing the best thing for me by allowing me to be so dependent on Him.

Yet here I am, ready to do anything just to make Him smile. I would give Him the world if I thought it would make Him happier. I need to give to Him. I need to please Him. I need to be His good girl. I need to love Him like I do. I don't know how to tone it down. I just want Him to have it all.

And if He asked for it, I would give Him more.

I can't figure this out right now and I can't allow it to come between us. Not now. I only have Him for a week.

Right now all I have to be is His.

Posted by Sarah McBroden at 8:16 am

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