Kneeling before Him...
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Thursday, July 14, 2005
The differences between Mac and I have become more noticeable, more prominent in these last few weeks. Never before have I been more aware of Mac's total lack of need to dominate me and my need to be totally dominated. It has been so apparent that we found we had to talk about it. It has had an effect on us every single day. Every time I have pulled away my submission, Mac has just let it go. No tantrums, no tears, no demands or recriminations, He has just shrugged and gotten on with it. He doesn't need me to submit. He doesn't need to dominate me. The only thing about it that bothers Him is that I am so completely unhappy when I am holding my submission back.
And last week it culminated in me yelling 'fuck you'at Him, something I have never said to Him before and doubt I will say again anytime soon. I have given it a lot of thought, about why it spilled from my mouth, where the desperation and anger was coming from and the only conclusion I can come up with is that I was feeling out of control and Mac was not putting me back under it. It's not what He does. The more I pushed for His control, the further away we got from where we should be. This is a lesson I never seem to learn no matter how many times we have been here. Sometimes I just seem to have to push.
I will not deny there is a part of me that craves total control. It makes me clench to think about it and I think about it often. It is why I was so attracted to that other man. He would have controlled me, he would have forced my submission from me when I tried to pull away. He would have kept me under his thumb at all times and I would not have been able to draw a breath without him knowing I had done so. He would have done it because he needed to be in control of someone. He uses it against women to tie them to his side. I know this, because he is much like the guy from my first experience with acknowledged D/s. He takes control for his own sake and maintains it because it makes him feel better about himself. I can see that from a distance, but up close, when it is happening, it is just so damn desirable that I couldn't help but want to give in.
Mac says that a part of Him is drawn to give me that control. There is a part of Him that wants it for me. He knows that I can desire it and as my One, He wants to give me the things I desire. But there is a part of Him that is telling Him He has to be true to Himself and dominating me in that controlling way would lead us into not being us anymore. I have asked Him not to, though in truth He had already made that decision for Himself. He no more wants to pretend He is something He isn't than I do. I love that He doesn't need my submission to make Himself feel good. As far as He is concerned, the fact that He likes my submission is just a bonus and he still isn't quite sure if He just likes it because I am so content and happy when I am submitting, or if it is because He likes submission itself. Maybe it is both combined.
This difference between Mac and I has not in any way driven us apart. In fact it has brought us closer than ever before. When I wanted this other guy, I realised that I was holding so much back from Mac, things that I was scared of sharing with Him. I held my submission back from Him and that was hardly fair for either of us. I had no right to make this decision for Him or for us. It is not my part of this partnership to decide what I will and will not allow. I said He could have everything, and so I have to give it to Him. That's my part of the deal. The week that we spent together before He went away again showed us both what we could have and taught me that the more I give to Mac, the more He accepts from me.
Still, as recent as last week I held things back from Him. I let Him believe things about me that were wrong. I stood before Him with my hands clenched at my side when all I really wanted to do was kneel and bow my head. I let Him think I was being petulant when really I was so tangled up inside myself that I could not find the words to tell Him what I felt and later it felt like I would be opening the argument again if I tried to explain, so I let it go. And I don't want to do that anymore. I want to be able to kneel when I need to and I want to be able to let Him know that I am sorry long before He gets to the end of what He has to say. I don't want to be defiant with Him. But I didn't think He was ready to respect that part of me. I don't want Him to think that I am weak because I don't face Him head on. I find no shame in being sorry for my mistakes. I find no shame in accepting His apology while I am on my knees. I think it is a beautiful gesture of acceptance and of forgiveness. I don't believe I lose anything by kneeling before Him. And I gain so much.
Mac told me yesterday that He is ready. He has felt me holding back in ways He doesn't really understand and I agree. I have been holding back, and I am not even sure why or how or what is going to change, but we are taking it one day at a time, seeing what comes from the honesty between us. Mac has been more open in accepting that some choices need to be made for me and in giving me some guidelines to follow in situations where I struggle to feel comfortable. He has left me clear to concentrate my energy on Him. The more I submit, the more He dominates and as I become more relaxed and comfortable, He finds Himself relaxed and comfortable too.
It has taken us a long time to get here, and I think that I have been ready for this for longer than He has. But I look back over how far we have come together and god, I have loved the journey so much, even the times we got it wrong. They have all gone into making us who we are and I wouldn't change a single thing that we have done. I would not have wanted to do it any other way.
So He says I just have to stop fighting it now and let it go where it leads us. He says He won't let me get lost inside of it. He won't give up the sassy little wretch He knows that I can be. He says that I am safe with Him and He isn't going to let me fall. And He says that if we go in the wrong direction, He will lead us back to the path. All I need to do is hold onto His hand and take the next step with Him into the unknown.
I love who we are.