Kneeling before Him...
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Thursday, July 21, 2005
Mac and I are still growing closer each day and it is happening so easily and so naturally that I am sometimes surprised when I realise that another piece of us has fallen into place. And most of it just comes down to communication. We are talking to each other like we never have before and the amazing thing is I never really realised just how much we were holding back. I thought we had an honest and open relationship, and so did Mac because neither of us had ever been this honest and open in previous relationships, but we were just scratching the surface. A part of being honest is not hiding things from each other and Mac and I both were guilty of it without even really being aware it was going on.
A perfect and simple example of this is an early rule we had that we allowed to fall down because neither of us let the other know how important it was. I am not allowed to go anywhere without leaving Mac a message telling Him where I am and when I will be home. I don't need permission to go out, He just wants to know where I am when I do. It didn't start out as a rule, it was just something I did at first, then one day when I was running late I forgot to leave a message for Him and when I got home He was well and truly pissed. For a long time after that I always told Him where I would be and when I would be home.
But when He was away it felt like I was being silly. He wasn't here, it hardly affected Him if I was home or not and I felt uncomfortable leaving messages that He never answered just to tell Him I was going to the store. That grew into feeling silly that I was telling Him where I was going at all. So I stopped telling Him and He didn't seem bothered if I wasn't home when He called. He hardly mentioned it at all. Occasionally He would ask where I had been but it was just a passing question. I didn't even think He had noticed that I had stopped letting Him know.
Then the last time that Mac was away I got a rather pissy email telling me that He expected to know where I was at all times, that I could not be owned properly when He had no clue what I was doing and that from now on I would be expected to tell Him or I could pretty much expect a smack in the mouth. I have always left Him a message since that email was received. It's not about control, it's not about only allowing me to be certain places, or to stop me from doing what I want to do, it's about giving me all the freedom I need while feeling protected and safe. Where ever I go, Mac knows.
I told Him that I had not been telling Him because I didn't think He cared where I was as He had never seemed worried when I hadn't told Him. He said that He had always scowled when I had not told but He didn't say anything because He wanted me to feel free. But it was important to each of us, we just hadn't let the other know. I need Him to know where I am. I need it to feel secure. He needs me to feel secure so He wants to know where I am. Such an easy little thing, such a huge difference to us.
These type of easy little things just keep falling into place and bringing us closer and making us even more entwined. All we have to do is talk to each other honestly and hear what is being said. It's really not that hard to do.
I am more in love with Him than I have ever been. This feeling is just so completely huge.