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Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Ok. Before I start I would just like to say to becky and Anon~ that I do understand and appreciate your concern and that this is not aimed at either of you, just the world in general.
Why is it that in our society it is seen as so wrong to have emotions? When did our emotions become such a bad thing? Was it the same time we all stopped catching colds and started suffering from the flu? Was it when all headaches became migraines? What is wrong with us that we are no longer allowed to feel sad without needing to race off to the doctor to be diagnosed?
I am a female. I am a human being. I was born with the ability to laugh, and cry and love. Sometimes I am happy, sometimes I am sad, this is not abnormal, these are natural things for humans to feel. I am not perfect. If I was, I doubt many of you would still be coming here to read. I make mistakes, I fuck up and I have bad days. Heck, even Mac has bad days too. It's ok. It doesn't mean there is something terribly wrong. It's all just a part of life.
Any doctor worth his (or her) salt will tell you that our moods are affected by so many things. Hormones, the food we eat (watch Super-size me, scary stuff) alcohol, medications, even the perfumes we smell. We overload our senses with these things constantly. Its hardly a wonder that sometimes we have to bottom out. I often feel like a sad day is just like rebooting the computer. It gives us a chance to empty out the sadness and start again with a clean slate.
It concerns me that so many people think that the best thing to do is medicate their emotions away. It concerns me that people think that sadness is such a negative thing. It isn't. Not unless it overwhelms everything else. It doesn't do that here. I do have bad days, but they are so far outweighed by the good that I don't need to question them. I don't need a doctor to tell me I am ok. I know that I am.
My psychiatrist (not therapist, a fully qualified doctor) whom I still see yearly because I used to suffer from severe depression gave me a number system to rate how I am feeling. Even after 8 years I still tend to rate myself using it especially when I feel sad so that I can be honest with myself about how bad it really is. The number system goes from 0 being the absolute worst you could possibly feel to 10 being the absolute best. The majority of the time I rate around a 7 which is perfectly normal. Sometimes, when I am feeling particularly euphoric, like when Mac pulls into the driveway after spending a week away I hit a 10, but feelings of 10 are short lived. This is a good thing because it is stressful to be at 10 even though it is nice to visit it now and then. The other day, the clingy day, I probably went as low as 4, but I spent most of the day around 5 which is not abnormal either. It's not that huge a swing from 7. I was uncomfortable and withdrawn, but I didn't spend the day curled up in a corner crying and I still managed to get a lot of simple things done. I have on occasion been lower, I wouldn't say as low as 0 because I have never thought I was so bad that I couldn't get lower. I have always felt there was more of me to lose.
So bad days and good days are all a part of life and I don't believe that there is any need for me to medicate them away. I want to feel. Sadness, happiness, grief, and rejoicing, love, hate, and just plain like are all a part of who I am. There is nothing wrong with that.
I am a giver and sometimes I have a difficulty asking for someone to give back. Lucky for me, Mac understands that and gives without me needing to ask. He protects me when I need protecting. He loves me when I need to be loved. He holds me when I need to be held. And that is so much better than any therapy or medication will ever be.
I am allowed to feel so I allow myself to feel.
Sometimes I think that is the greatest gift that He has given me.