Kneeling before Him...
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Monday, July 25, 2005
Sometimes I get all tangled up inside and I feel like nothing can get out. It's kind of a sadness, kind of a weakness, a helplessness that I can't grasp a hold of and it carries me away from where I want to be. I try to talk, I try to explain it, but it all gets too much for me and I close myself away from everyone and everything. I can't write, I can't paint, I can't open my mouth without something whiny coming out. And all I want to do is be with Mac every single moment of the day. I want to kneel by His side with my head bowed and my hands in my lap. I want to sit with Him in the kitchen and next to Him on the couch. I want to snuggle up close to Him in bed. I want to smother Him with love.
It takes a lot of effort from me on these days not to follow Him from room to room. It almost kills me not to text Him every moment He is out of the house. I am not good at holding back when I feel so completely needy and although Mac tells me not to hold back, I know it would annoy the crap out of Him to have me crawling all over Him all day.
I wish it didn't happen. I wish I could control the hormones that seem to fill me with a will of their own. I don't want to be so sad but every time I try and force myself into happiness, I just fall down again.
Mac watches me struggle with it. He doesn't understand what is going on but He knows on days like this I need things kept simple and strict. He gives me easy orders, sends me downstairs to make Him tea, asks me to bring Him things, orders me to kneel and just think about us for a while. When He leaves He makes sure I know what is going on and when He will be back because He knows I feel so lost without Him here. He uses me a little, slaps my face and fucks my mouth, calls me nasty dirty names until I cry because I need that too. He comes for me, gives me His semen because above all else, I need to be His pleasure. I need to be a good girl for Him. He tells me that I please Him and that I am His good girl and He reminds me that I belong to Him.
And when my period starts He just smiles at me and tells me to come and sit in His lap. He wraps His arms around me and kisses me and tells me funny stories about Himself growing up. When He runs out of things to say we just sit together quietly for a while. He takes care of me the best that He can, because that is His part of the deal.
He helps me get untangled again.