Kneeling before Him...
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Monday, July 04, 2005
Words have eluded me these past few days. I have been suffering from a case of what I think they call writers block. I couldn't see past the past and move on to the present, but with just that short little observation yesterday, I think I have managed to make that step. It wasn't what I said that mattered, just that I said something. Sometimes you just have to close your eyes and jump and believe that there is something solid to land on. I made it and I am back here again.
I spent the last week enjoying some really rough sex with Mac. We have both reached the point of insatiability. All it takes is a touch, an unexpected gesture of love and appreciation and suddenly what was completely spent needs to be sated again. If it is bad for us, I can't see the downside. Our feelings, our love and lust, our happiness and peace are all so close to the surface that it has wrapped us in contentment and right now, even amongst friends we find ourselves huddled together in the corner whispering and kissing and we have to take our leave to have each other again.
I have tried to draw away from Him at times. Sometimes this intensity can make me suddenly afraid. As much as I want it and crave it, as much as it makes my body shudder in constant anticipation and draws my mind back to Him, its power can be so very frightening. I have tried to draw away and He has refused to let me go, ignoring my indifference, forcing His way through the wall I have placed between us by refusing to acknowledge it is there. He has not turned away from that wall once no matter how strongly I have built it. He knows that I do not do it out of malice and though I think it does still bruise Him when I have withdrawn, He knows it is my way of saving myself from the hurt I believe is coming and so He has shown me nothing but love and acceptance when I have pulled back from Him. The wall just crumbles beneath such strength and I open myself up to Him again.
So here we are, caught up again in the new raw passion of a three year old relationship, enjoying each other in new ways. And these are all paths we thought we had trodden on before but even as open as we have been with each other, it goes deeper. I thought I had given Him everything but somehow He has managed to find more. We are both amazed that it can be so.
And I know that at some point in the future this is going to hurt both Mac and I and when it hurts, it is going to hurt us badly. Neither of us is perfect and both of us will make mistakes and He cannot hurt without me feeling His pain and I can't hurt without Him feeling mine. We are too entwined to separate it now. But we have both chosen this path with our eyes wide open and this, this beautiful, wonderful completion, being so totally filled with love and lust, this appreciation for each other and this total acceptance for being what and who we are, this passion, this completely wild and beautiful desire, this honesty, this trust, this respect for each other and the peace that we both find when I am in His arms is worth ten thousand times any pain that we may unintentionally cause each of us to feel.
We wouldn't have it any other way.