Kneeling before Him...
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Friday, August 26, 2005
Sometimes, the strangest things hurt. Yesterday I was going through some of Mac's old stuff that we had left in boxes in a downstairs cupboard when we moved in together and I found an old picture of His that took my breath away. It was from a place that Mac and I have been to together, a place I thought I had found for us, but this picture was taken before He and I were together, so it couldn't be our place.
When Mac got home I showed Him and He didn't really understand. He didn't get why it was important to me and truthfully I don't fully understand it myself, I just knew that finding that picture hurt. I felt like I had lost something we shared. Mac said He didn't remember going there before or He would have said something when we first went. He had no recollection of the place at all.
And Mac said that He didn't want me to be hurt, but He couldn't change something He had done before we were together and didn't remember doing. He was sorry. I knew He was right, you can't change the things that happen before you are with someone. You have to accept their past as part of them. It was unintentional, I know that Mac didn't mean for me to get hurt, I believe that He has no memory of being there. I know how Mac's mind works and unless it was something special, it would not have made an impact on Him. (Of course, I would never get away with saying I don't remember, because Mac knows I remember everything.)
So I kissed His cheek and that was the end of it. It had to be because Mac never intended to hurt me and holding on to it would have been an injustice to us both. I can be rational at times. (I think I surprised Him too.)
As for His blow job, well, there is something about curling up beside Him with the taste of His satisfaction in my throat that makes me just pur with delight. The best thing about it is He knows that I am content just from making Him come and He knows that being selfish with His pleasure is not really being selfish at all. There is no need for reciprocation in our house. He simply does whatever it is that pleases Him. I am quite content with that.
It fills me knowing that He knows.