Kneeling before Him...
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Friday, September 30, 2005
I know this is going to come as a huge shock to everyone, but sometimes I can be a spoilt brat. (I can almost hear you all gasp in surprise!) Seriously though, sometimes I can be so caught up in getting what I want, that I forget that other people have feelings too.
The other day I was upset because Andrew has been obviously avoiding us. I realised this when I saw him while I was out and he stumbled over an excuse for where he has been before I even asked why I hadn't seen him for a while. He made me feel uncomfortable, like he didn't want to be talking to me. I was hurt that he acting so stand-offish. I felt like I had done something wrong.
When I told Mac about it, He shook His head at me. He said that it wasn't because I had done anything wrong. He thinks that Andrew has to find his own way into a friendship with us and if he is staying away then it may be because Andrew likes me a little too much for him to be completely comfortable around us.
But I adore Andrew. I think he is a really wonderful guy. I like hanging out with him. I like being his friend. He is intelligent and witty. He can really make me laugh. It's not easy to find people like him. I was practically pouting at Mac and stamping my foot.
"Why can't he just be my friend?" I whined. I was really indignant about it all.
"Sweetheart," Mac said, "sometimes you just can't have everything you want. If you have to lose Andrew as a friend, isn't it better that it's because he likes you a little too much, then if he just didn't give a damn at all?"
I sighed. He was right of course.
The next day when I woke, I had a sore throat and a temp. I sat up and started to cough. When Mac said he was going away the next day, I didn't take it as well as I could. I didn't rage and I didn't sulk, I just cried every time I gave it a thought. And Mac never lost His temper with me. He was so very patient. I guess I looked that miserable. He left yesterday afternoon and called me while He was in the car to check up on me, then again when He got to the airport. It was too late for Him to call me when He arrived at the other end of His flight, but He called me this morning to make sure I went to the Doctor's. I kept insisting I was getting better while my breathing was getting more difficult. I went this morning. I have bronchitis, which didn't surprise me at all.
On the way home, while telling Mac what the doctor had said and what I have to do for it, I realised that this wasn't just about Him reassuring me, He wanted the reassurance as well. I have a feeling that right now, whatever He is doing and saying, whoever He is with, He is wishing that He could be home with me.
I think what I am trying to say here is that I feel guilty for my tears. I don't want Him to feel bad. I know I can't always have everything my own way and I also know that no amount of foot stomping, pouting or even tears is going to change the way things are. I know that I am being a spoilt brat and that I should try and be more grown up about these things.
Doesn't mean I will though.
Good job He loves me even when I carry on.