Kneeling before Him...
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Thursday, September 01, 2005
Sometimes the need to have Mac inside me overwhelms everything else I feel. Lately it has been happening even more often then before. We met someone, a guy, and he has become our friend and it has affected us in a way we could not have possibly foreseen.
This guy, Andrew, is an alpha male. He is charming and witty and attractive and dominant. He is everything I could want in a man, yet when I am around him, I find myself drawn to Mac. Mac knows that Andrew is attracted to me. I know it to. Andrew carefully and quietly admitted it to me in a very soft way and made it very easy for me to say that I was flattered, but not interested without anyone having to get their feelings hurt. Andrew accepted it with grace and has shown no bitterness or resentment to either me or Mac. He is quite a special man.
Mac and Andrew get along like a house on fire and when together it is impossible for anyone else to get a word in edgewise. Anyone who tries finds themselves failing miserably. But I always feel like I am the centre of their attention and to have their focus on me is very sensual. It makes me feel so very feminine. Mac likes Andrew and that's unusual. Mac usually has little time for men unless they are throwing about a rugby ball. But Andrew can keep up with Mac, giving as good as he gets and accepting it when it is thrown back at him again. There is no malice between them, no jealousy or spite. They are both just happy to be friends.
And Andrew is usually the type of guy I run from. I am always afraid that I will like them too much and I run to Mac and hide behind Him so that I am not tempted. I am always scared of submitting to one of them. But with Andrew it is different because with Mac it is different. We have never been so entwined. I am owned, truly owned and I am loved, really loved and I know that I was owned and loved before but it is so much deeper now. I gave Mac everything I had to give, all of it and I found the more I gave, the more He became willing to accept. Maybe it was something we had to grow in to. Or perhaps it was there all along we just didn't know how to find it. I don't know why we had to wait for it to come out in both of us, but we did. Now it's here, a part of us, and it has made us stronger, made me stronger than I have ever been. I am no longer crippled by the fear.
So I am basking in the attention that I receive from Andrew. I am delighted in the fact that he and I can be friends. I love that Mac doesn't see this as a threat, He is fine with Andrew and I being friends and that is as it should be. I belong to Mac and neither of us doubts it and I think Andrew sees it too. He has quietly acknowledged Mac's position in my life and doesn't try to undermine it. He treats our relationship with the respect it deserves.
Being around Andrew, as attractive as he is, just makes me ache to be with Mac. Not out of fear, but just in need of being claimed by my Male again. I need Him inside me, I need Him filling me. I need to be bitten and marked, mounted and...
I just took this to Mac and told Him the words were not flowing. He said that it is fine as is and I should leave it right there. Anything more would be repeating what I have already said, so that is enough for today.