Kneeling before Him...



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Monday, September 19, 2005

We had a tragedy occur on the weekend, one of those ones where you suddenly find yourself needing to hug the ones you love and in some secret forbidden place in your heart, you thank god that it happened to another family and not yours, even though that family is one you know. A little girl, 3 years old, old enough to be left on her own inside her own house while her mother went to the toilet, wasn't old enough to be alone after all. So quickly a little life is gone.

Mac says I don't have to take their pain on my shoulders, that I can't possibly mourn for every tragedy in the world. It bothers Him that I sometimes seem to need to suffer for other people. He feels that I take on too much. But He also says He loves me because I am sensitive enough to feel their pain and I shouldn't try and change it. He says that I should just be me.

I spent much of the weekend suffering from an overpowering desire to please Him, so much so that I grew angry and frustrated when He was at the office working on Saturday. I sent Him text messages that were not always nice. He tried to be patient with me, but His answers got more abrupt so I gave us both a break before one of us (me) got hurt.

And I was still frustrated and I still needed to be held. I still needed to be pleasing and pleasuring Him. I wandered into the kitchen and started making things. A few hours later I was happily singing along to the radio, a couple of steak and kidney pies cooling on the bench, old fashioned lemon cordial being poured into two bottles and two bread and butter puddings in the oven. I planned on taking one of each to my dad. I pleased the two most important men in my life while neither one was there. It helped to centre me.

When I sent the next text to Mac, He pointed out that He wanted to be with me as much as I wanted Him to, and He was pretty sure everyone in the office wished He was not there too. I told Him what I had cooked and that I was feeling much better and He told me I had made Him hungry and I should let Him finish up His work and come home to me. I thought that was a very good idea.

On Sunday, I woke with a need to hurt so while Mac was still sleeping, I got up and wrote down a fantasy that I had been having for a few days. I had already completely stuffed it up once when I tried to say it to Mac and I thought it would be easier if I wrote it down. When I was done I sat on the edge of the bed and sighed a lot until Mac told me He was still sleeping. I said that was ok and rattled my sheet of paper and sighed some more. With His eyes still closed He frowned at me and I shifted around the bed a little and sighed again.

"You are determined to ruin my beauty sleep, aren't you?" He sighed at me.
"You are beautiful enough." I said. "Besides, I have to be at mums in 20 minutes and I still have to get dressed. I just want You to read this before I go."

I gave him the fantasy I had written out and I ran about the room throwing on clothes. I tried to pretend I wasn't watching Him even though I never took my eyes off Him, trying to gauge the reaction as He read.

"Hey?" He said when He was done. "Is this what You couldn't tell me the other night?"
I blushed and nodded that it was.
"You are beautiful, you know? Now I am awake and my cock is throbbing."
I looked at Him in utter distress. "I have to go Baby. I promised I wouldn't be late. Can You save it for me, until I get home?"
He scowled at me. "Are you asking, woman, that I spend the day with full balls, saving it all for YOU?"
"Yes." I said.
"Good job I do love you." He said. I grinned at Him. He scowled some more. "Now go on, bugger off. You are late."

I kissed Him quickly on the cheek and raced out the door.

My mother had a lovely little luncheon thing planned for all the older ladies, mostly family, that won't be coming on my girl's night out. My bridesmaids put in the obligatory appearance and we all ohhhed and ahhhed over the lovely pieces of kitchenware I was given. I drank slightly too much champagne. I was tying to be a good girl and stay focussed on everyone around me, but all I could think of was Mac's full balls and throbbing cock and all I wanted was to get home. I started sneaking off to text Him nasty drunken whorish messages when the party was about half way through. When He texted me back He told me He had been called into a meeting. That didn't stop me sending more dirty messages though.

My sister took me home in the early evening and Mac rang to tell me not to go to bed, He was coming home to pack, He had to make a late flight and wanted to spend the time He had with me. I was determined to be a good girl for Him. He came home and I helped Him pack and we talked about things that had happened and things that would happen over the next few days. Mac wanted to make sure I was busy while He wasn't here.

Then He took me to bed and did and said the things I had fantasised about. And hearing them come from His mouth and feeling them done by His body was so completely different to thinking about it my self. Within moments I was sobbing and coming and begging Him to stop, telling Him it wasn't what I wanted while I held onto Him tighter and made Him give me more. I was appalled and ashamed that these things could make me come, that He could make me come with them so easily.

He kept asking me if I wanted it, if I wanted more and I would say no, mean no, and my cunt kept betraying me over and over again. My body wouldn't listen to my brain. And when Mac came I thought it was over, I thought I could relax, but Mac couldn't stop either. One orgasm was not enough for Him. He held me down until He came again.

When we were finished Mac looked at the time and panicked. He was late, awfully so. He was going to be lucky to get to the station on time. If He missed the train, He would never make it to the airport. He grabbed His bags and kissed me goodbye. He left me sobbing quietly on the bed. I cried myself to sleep.

When I woke this morning I felt dirty. I was appalled and disgusted in myself. I was ashamed and slightly hung over. It was not a good combination. I went to the computer and turned it on. While it booted up I jumped into the shower to scrub myself clean. When I came back the computer had logged on and an email was waiting for me. Mac must have written it on the train and sent it when He got to the airport.

He told me that as much as I needed Him to stay and tell me I was beautiful and still His girl, He needed to stay and love me gently too. He hadn't meant for it to be the way it was, our lust just got out of hand. He said He felt disturbed knowing I was crying in our bed and He wasn't there to comfort me. He knew I hated myself right now but He loved me more than He ever did before. From ever so far away He made me ok again.

As much as I crave and desire humiliation, it leaves me feeling like I am nothing at all. I need Him to build me back up into His princess, even after things not as intense as this was. I need to know that I am still His beautiful angel and His girl. I can't stand the thought of being less in His eyes, even though I ask Him to treat me that way sometimes. No wonder Mac thinks that I am strange.

I somehow felt that I deserved to suffer last night, though in truth, it was only sort of suffering. I came so many times that my tummy still aches from it, so there was a lot of pleasure in it. At the same time I was so conflicted, my body against my brain and my moral decency. It was a battle and I am not sure that I won but it has made my guilt go away. I don't feel like I deserve to be hurt anymore.

But as Mac said in the email that He wrote, there will be a next time.

Posted by Sarah McBroden at 10:46 am

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