Kneeling before Him...
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Tuesday, October 18, 2005
I went out on Saturday night. A few girlfriends that had missed the night out last weekend had asked if they could take me to dinner this weekend instead. I had nothing else on and Mac told me He was going to be busy with work, so I said yes. I thought it would be nice to sit around with friends and be waited on for a little while. The princess in me likes that sort of thing.
Over approximately two and a half hours, I drank four glasses of white wine. I am not sure what it's vintage was as someone else ordered it. I also drank a glass of water after the first glass and between the second and third glasses of wine. I do that because wine dehydrates me so fast. I didn't worry about it with the last two glasses of wine because by then I knew I would not be drinking much more. I had decided that it was enough.
After dinner a couple of the girls asked if I wanted to hit the night clubs but I really just wanted to go home. I stayed with two other girls, one of which had said she would give me a lift home. I was sitting with one girl at the table while the other girl was being chatted up by a cute guy. The two of us sitting down were giggling and trying to judge how well the guy was doing while our friend was trying her best not to look at us at all.
We sat there for about 20 minutes and I had finished my last drink at least 10 minutes before people had left and during those 30 minutes, I felt myself become more and more drunken. My words started to slur and the world got very fuzzy around the edges. My brain could not keep up with my eyes and if I moved my head it was as if I was seeing things move in slow motion. I suddenly needed very badly to pee.
I excused myself and as I stood and walked to the bathroom, I became aware of just how badly the wine had affected me. I could hardly put one foot in front of the other. I made it to the bathroom on pure determination alone. I thought it was just a drunken peak from the last glass of wine and expected that it would pass rather quickly. It didn't. It just got worse. I have never felt anything like it before.
I managed to pull down my panties and sit down to pee. I don't remember anything after that until someone called out my name and I answered them. One of my friends from the restaurant had come looking for me as I had been gone for about 20 minutes or so. I was standing inside the toilet stall with my panties around my knees throwing up into the toilet bowl. I don't remember opening the stall door, but I must have because she was standing there with me. She looked concerned. I told her I had not had that much to drink. She had been sitting next to me, she knew I hadn't. We had shared two bottles of white wine amongst three of us, I could not have had that much. I apologised and she said that it was ok, that I was going to be ok, the drunkenness would pass and she wanted to get me out into the fresh air.
I had to tell her that I couldn't pull my panties up. I couldn't get my brain to acknowledge I had hands. I could only feel as far as my arms and they were not exactly obeying my commands. She pulled my panties up for me.
I have another blank period here where I have no idea what happened but suddenly I was standing on the stairs outside the restaurant. My eyes couldn't focus and the world went black and I fought to stay conscious. My friends made me sit down. I sat down and threw up again.
I kept apologising and telling them that I was so drunk and I didn't mean to get so drunk and they kept saying that I had only had four drinks. The world kept spinning, I couldn't focus on anything. I almost passed out at least two more times. Both times as the world faded out I tried to tell them to call an ambulance, but I couldn't make my mouth form the words. I couldn't speak. They told me it would pass and they looked at me with such concern that I knew I had to pull myself together. Then my memory slips into another blank.
There are vague bits and pieces between then and the time I woke the next morning. It took an hour and a half to walk three blocks to the car. I threw up twice more on the way. I had periods where I seemed to be coming out of it then I would slip back into slurred words and teeter on passing out again. I complained of being cold a number of times but refused to put a jacket on. I don't remember any of it. I found all that out off the girls the next day.
The girls debated taking me to the hospital, but I kept saying that I just needed a shower and to lie down. I do remember wanting that. I remember one of the girls going into a store to get me a bottle of water because I was so thirsty and when I got it, all I could manage was a couple of sips. After that I remember I was suddenly sitting on the bed and Mac was undressing me. I told Him I wanted a shower and He went to turn the shower on. I thought I could just rest my head on the pillow for a moment and it was morning when I woke. Mac said He came back to the bedroom and I was fast asleep. He decided to leave me that way.
And everyone seems to think it was a bit of a joke, Sarah was slipped a mickey and got a little high. I have no doubt they are right, someone put something in my drink, but I fail to find anything funny in it at all. No, I was not raped. I was not injured. I was lucky enough to have two girlfriends with me to keep me safe from myself and from others. But that doesn't take away the horror of the things that did occur. I feel violated. Whoever it was that did that to me took away any control that I had. My body and my mind did not belong to me. I had to ask someone to pull up my panties for Christ sake. I threw up in the street. I lost huge chunks of time. When I woke the next day I started to shake and that occurred on and off most of the day. I had trouble remembering some abstract things like name of the day was Sunday, but once I read it I was ok. I have come across a couple of blank spots like that.
None of it is a big deal, except to me. The only ones that sort of understand were the girls that were with me. They are the only ones that come close to knowing just how frightened I felt and feel because they were the ones that had to look after me. My own father joked that I had just gotten plastered and was looking to blame it on someone else and I felt so very fragile that when he said it I burst into tears. I didn't ask for it to happen. I didn't want to feel that way. And I never ever want to feel that way again.
Right now, I have a wedding happening. I get married after four more sleeps. I don't have time to keep having this invade my mind. Mac is working hard to get things finished before He takes time off and I have a list of things that need to be checked, fixed, found, bought or made each day. I really can't keep coming back to this. Yet I do, all the time. I have spent hours trying to work out when and why. When did anyone have the chance to put something in my drink? It was always right in front of me. And why my drink? What did I do to deserve it? I wasn't a very good target if they were trying to score. I was with a group of friends not alone. And it didn't make me easy. I was much more likely to pass out than put out. It made me feel so very sick.
I want nothing more right now than to curl up in Mac's arms and tell the world it can go to hell, but I can't do that, not even for a while. I have to let Him get on with His work and I need to get on with mine. I have to be a big strong girl and work out a way to cope with my feelings on my own. I hope that by writing this I have taken the first step.
But I feel it will be a long time before I go out anywhere without Mac again.