Kneeling before Him...
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Thursday, October 20, 2005
Mac picked the song last night. I was desperate with worry about it. I have scoured song lists and CDs, gone through websites and asked everyone I know. I have been given suggestions all over the place, everything from Shania Twain and Bryan Adams to U2 and Bon Jovi. Nothing fit us properly. We are just not sunshine and roses. Mac always told me that any roses that He gave me would prick my fingers and make me bleed. So all the traditional love songs went out the window, I didn't want any of them. I wanted something completely different, something that felt like us.
And last night while I was kneeling on the floor in front of Mac, my cheeks still stinging from being slapped, tears still trickling down my cheeks, my hair still held tightly in His hand, His semen still hot on my face, He said "What about Edwin Collins 'Never Met a Girl Like You Before'?"
I thought about it. It is hard to dance to, but Mac's idea of dancing is holding me close and grinding His hips into mine, so we can cope with that. The lyrics don't quite make sense, but I think the idea of the song is his life was just poorer until she came along. I like the idea that He knows no one else like me. As much as I want to be normal, to fit in and be like every other girl, I never want to be just another girl to Him. He doesn't need to meet another girl like me. He has me.
Also, it is one of Mac's favourite songs, one of the 50 or so that make up His favourite all time top ten. He had a tape of music that He used to sit and listen to while He went over rugby plays in His mind before a big game. This was one of the songs on that tape. When He told me this a couple of years ago I added it to all of my play lists, along with other songs He liked because it was something that not many people knew about Him. I love that it has a history.
I smiled up at Him and told Him that I like that song.
That's it. Apart from the ten things I have completely forgotten and will have major panic attacks over tomorrow and on Saturday morning, I am utterly ready to marry Him. We are having a rehearsal tomorrow afternoon and after that we go separate ways. I am sleeping at my parent's house and Mac is staying here with His groomsmen. Mac's mother will come around on Saturday and make sure they comb their hair and tuck their shirts in and clean behind their ears. I have no doubt she will have them totally ready and at the church on time and she will probably even make them lunch. I have bags packed both for tomorrow night and for Saturday night at the hotel. I only have to throw my toiletries in. So this is it. I am ready. God. I am so ready for this.
I thought I might have second thoughts. I thought nerves might overcome me and I would think about chickening out. I thought I might wonder if I was doing the right thing. But I have no doubts. I love Him and want to spend the rest of my life being His. Taking His name, becoming His wife in front of everyone is all a part of the person I am meant to be.
I would like to thank you all for being so supportive. This week has been a little rough on me but I am all right now. It did me the world of good to write the poison down. It's my way of purging it from me. I have felt so much better since I got it all out and said what I was feeling here. You lovely people give me a place to do that. Thank you all for being here for me.
I am going to write tomorrow. Strangely enough, the day before the wedding is the day I have the shortest list of things to do.
The list actually reads:
Wake Mac up at 7am..
Oh bugger. I just remembered I need to organise something for the guys for dinner tomorrow night. Ok, I added that to today's list. Whew. I won't have to panic about that tomorrow now.
Oh gosh. I get married in TWO MORE SLEEPS! I am going to be His wife.
I love the way this feels.
I will write tomorrow if I am not too nervous to type.
I just love it. I am going to be His wife. Oh wow.
I am going to be His wife.