Kneeling before Him...
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Monday, November 07, 2005
Gosh, thank you all for the welcome back. I have so much to tell you all and I keep finding myself wanting to jump ahead and tell the immediate things that come to mind, like Mac's speech. And how He looked at me when I walked down the aisle and Mac's speech. And like making so much noise one night in the hotel room and forgetting the balcony door was open and having someone sent up to check that I was ok. And of course, Mac's speech.
All of it was just so wonderful that I want to write it all at once but I have a feeling this could take a few days at least. So you will all have to be patient and put up with hearing all the little things that meant so much to me. Please remember that this is not just a sharing of our wedding, but also a keepsake of our time for Mac and me. I hope everyone finds something in my telling that makes them smile.
So back to where I left off, the day before I married Him.
We had a rehearsal in the afternoon with all the bridal party at the church and walking in, it suddenly dawned on me how big and old the church was. I don't know why I never saw it before, but it felt heavy with importance and for the first time, I was a little afraid of what Mac and I were about to do. It wasn't that I didn't want to, or that I doubted our commitment, but I think I realised just how deep our commitment is and how important it truly is to bind yourself to someone else, no matter what, for as long as you live. It takes courage and strength and respect and trust to make those vows. It takes faith to believe in them.
I looked at Mac, suddenly a little overwhelmed by it all, and I knew He was probably wondering if this was going to take long because He really wanted to go to the pub for a beer and He smiled at me and took my hand and when I squeezed, He squeezed back and I wasn't scared anymore. No matter what, He always holds my hand.
The rehearsal went perfectly. Everyone understood what their jobs were and where they were to stand. I had the readings and the hymns picked a while ago so there was nothing left to be decide. It was all just a matter of knowing where it all fit in. As we were getting ready to leave I was told in a very stern voice that the Bishop would not at all be pleased if I was not ready for the ceremony on time. Mac looked at the Bishop and told him that he was not the only one that would not be pleased. I promised that I would be ready early. I had waited long enough for this. I wasn't going to wait any longer than absolutely necessary.
We all went to the pub afterwards and I stayed as close to Mac as I could be. 6pm came around way too fast and when I told Mac I had to go, He asked me to stay a little longer. It felt quite weird that we would spend the night apart when we were planning on spending the rest of our lives together and even though I knew my mother was waiting on me, I just couldn't go. I rang my mum and she said it was ok, she had made dinner for me but it would keep. I stayed with Mac another hour or so, just hanging out and being ourselves, almost like a recharge for the next day.
When I finally knew that I really had to go, Mac came outside with me to say goodbye. We stood beside the car with my arms around His neck and His hands on my waist and we just kissed each other for a while. I asked Him, because I couldn't help myself, if He was really sure that this is what He wanted. I have absolutely no clue what I would have done if He said no. He told me He had never been more sure of anything in His life. He said it was the smartest thing He would ever do. I kissed Him again because sometimes He can be so perfect. Then I got into the car and I was crying when I drove away.
If I had to do it over, that's the one thing I would change. I would spend that night with Him. Every time I think about it, it just feels wrong. It was something that everyone said we should do, be apart the night before the wedding, but we should have just gone with what we felt, not with what we thought was right.
By the time I got to my parent's house I was ok. I ate my reheated dinner then sat around with Mum talking about every little thing we could think of. We went over everything trying to see if we had forgotten anything. I don't know why we did that because it was pretty much too late to do anything else. The only thing left was to follow it all through. I went to bed at midnight and I tossed and turned and watched the clock and wondered if Mac was sleeping and what He was dreaming of and if He would be at the church. At 3 am when I still couldn't sleep I gave up and got up and took my blanket downstairs and put a DVD on and Mum found me asleep on the couch at 7am.
It was time to start my wedding day.