Kneeling before Him...
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Monday, January 23, 2006
I think that I am a little tongue tied at the moment. I don't seem to be able to find the words to convey what I am feeling, not properly. Still I will give it a shot and see what comes out. Maybe you guys will understand.
Right now I am almost completely withdrawn from Mac. It has taken me by surprise. I have pulled away so far that I am a little scared I wont find my way back. Mac isn't trying to make me come back to Him. He never does. He is letting my tears and tantrums go unchecked.
Why am I doing this? I don't know. I feel vulnerable and very protective. I am building up high thick walls so that no one, not anyone at all can get through. I feel I have to because to let anyone in would be dangerous to me. I don't want to let anyone hurt me. I feel like everyone will.
I cry a lot, way too much, actually. It's very unpleasant as crying always makes me feel like my head is full of cotton wool and it is harder to process what is going on. I cry over the silliest of things, like my tea going cold before I can drink it, like the vegies not being ready when the meat is, like feeling Mac standing behind me watching me. I seem to have very little control over when these waterworks appear.
We fight a lot, over stupid things, things we have never fought over before. I get angry over little things and instead of just letting them go, I hang onto them until I explode. Mac doesn't get it, doesn't understand at all why suddenly these things are such a big deal. I don't get it either so it is really hard to explain just why it suddenly means so much to me especially when ten minutes after explosion I can't even remember why it was so important.
And I spend a lot of my time, way too much of it, thinking about Mac dragging me back into line by my hair. I think about Him holding my face, forcing me to look at Him while He growls at me to behave. I think about Him marking me, biting my tits, writing on me with the pen. I think about Him holding me up against the wall and fucking me with no regard to my feelings at all. Yet if He touched me I would scream blue murder and scratch and spit and bite. I would fight Him to protect me and the baby, because I don't seem to have a choice.
I want to go to Him, right now, right this moment and kneel beside Him and ask Him to help me. But I am scared that if I went to Him my knees would refuse to bend and I don't know where we would end up then. If that happened would I stay this lost? I want so much to find Him again. I want to find us.
We lay in bed last night, Mac had me pressed against Him, His arm flung over me. The wall between us was growing stronger with everything we weren't saying. Mac softly kissed the back of my neck.
"Don't pull away too far, baby." He whispered. "There is too much to lose." And I thought about that most of the night while I couldn't sleep.
We don't lose the love, or the friendship. We don't lose the respect we have for each other, or even the lust. But we lose the trust and the honesty we share, we lose what makes us special and makes us shine so brightly when we are together. And that is worth more then some people ever know.
I am always saying that a dominant man will not force you to your knees. A true dominant man will wait for you to come to him, he will wait for your submission, not beat you into it. Mac is being patient, very patient, just waiting for me to come back to Him. I want Him to force me. It would be easier if I didn't have to give it to Him, but He believes it has to be given freely. He is right, I know. Damn Him.
I wrote the above yesterday and didn't have time to post it. That is a good thing because there is something I need to add. Mac told me last night that I should remember I am the one that needs to submit. He doesn't need it. I am only hurting me by holding it back. It is a silly thing to do to myself. He said I can fight to hold it back from Him all I want. In the end, I will give my submission to Him because it is what I need. He will wait. I stopped trying to fight what I need from Him. He just smiled smugly when He felt me give in then He used me for loud messy sex.
He can be such an arrogant Bastard. I really don't know what I would do without Him.
God. I am so wishy-washy and emotional right now. It is the baby, isn't it? Please tell me this doesn't last the whole nine months. I think Mac and I both will be insane by then!