Kneeling before Him...
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Friday, January 27, 2006
Not last night but the night before, we had sex, the long drawn out kind. Mac was enjoying the act itself so much that He wouldn't let Himself come. He didn't seem to want it to end.
And for some ungodly reason He seemed to think that if He wasn't coming, then I should not come either. Each time I got close He would hold still inside me, or change position, or stop sucking on my cunt. It got so I would hiss "Bastard" at Him and try to slap Him hard. He would pin my arms to the bed and hold them there until I got lost in the sensations again. He called me names and told me that I was good for nothing but this. I was just a cockslut, a fuckwhore whose only purpose was to please Him. He told me He didn't give a fuck about my orgasm, only His mattered. I tried so hard to force Him to come that I was weeping long before He let either of us get there. When He finally said, "Come now bitch. I will allow it." I almost exploded with release. Mac was quick to claim the orgasm as His own. He only let me come because it pleased Him that I did. Then He came inside me thrusting His cock into me impossibly deep. It was so frustratingly good that I wanted to kill Him and fuck Him forever, both at the same time.
When He let me go I curled up into a little ball beside Him. He kissed my tears and stroked my hair and called me His princess. He told me I am so much more than a cockslut and a fuckwhore. I am His wife, His love, His beautiful girl, the mother of His baby. He told me He loved me and that I am very precious to Him and that I should never forget that we are us.
I fell into an exhausted sleep with Mac still watching quietly over me.
Yesterday, I was so much less unsettled. I didn't seem to be looking so hard for the hurt. I have been looking for it, expecting it, waiting for Mac to say or do something to upset me and of course when you look for something that hard, it becomes easy to find. It got so I could twist almost anything He said into an attack on me personally, even when I knew it wasn't meant the way I chose to take it. Mac is not always the most sensitive person. Sometimes things slip out of His mouth before His brain has time to register how it might sound. I usually just roll my eyes and shake my head and add it to the list of things to tease Him about. But these past couple of weeks it has all been about wailing and gnashing of teeth.
Anonymous was right when commenting that I have struggled with these issues before, but it only happens when Mac has gone away, or when Mac and I don't have time to be us. This time it happened with Mac right next to me. And Mac said usually all He has to do is slap my face and fuck my mouth and hold me close when He is done and I come back to Him, but this time I fought to keep Him far away. There is still a part of me that wants to fight. I had to push it away a few times yesterday, but it was easier to do. It had little substance and seemed to have silly arguments for me, so it wasn't hard not to listen to it too much.
Last night after dinner, in the middle of a conversation about some friends of ours, I suddenly bowed my head and hid behind my hair and whispered that I would like to kneel before Him. Mac simply said "then do it" without missing a beat so I slipped onto the floor and knelt with my head resting on His thigh. He stroked my cheek and the conversation continued until it reached an end.
We stayed there, just quiet for a while. I kissed His thigh. He asked me if I would like to pleasure Him.
"Yes." I said quietly. He cuffed my face, not hard, but not soft either. It was meant to get my attention quick.
"Yes Sir." He said in a voice that left me in no doubt that He wanted complete control.
"Yes Sir." I said and helped Him out of His pants.
While I licked and sucked and stroked His cock, I murmured things to Him. Things like "I love Your cock." And, "Mmm so hard." And Mac pulled me away from Him a little and slapped my face again.
"You will call me Sir, until I tell you to stop, slut." He said.
"Yes Sir." I whispered and went back to suckling His cock.
I still murmured to Him and it was only two murmurs later that He was pulling me up again. He slapped me.
"What did I tell you to call me?" He growled.
"Sir" I said somewhat confused.
"Don't make me remind you again."
I realised then that He wanted it at the end of each muttering. "I love Your cock, Sir." "I love the way it feels, Sir" "I want to taste You in my throat all night, Sir."
He pulled me up onto His lap and kissed me. Long hard wet kisses that made me ache with wanting Him. He made me guide Him inside me and make Him come. I complied happily. I remembered to say Sir on every thing I said including "I love You Sir. Oh god Sir. I love You."
He held me for a long time after He had come, then He told me I didn't have to call Him Sir anymore, unless of course I wanted or needed to. I held His face and kissed Him softly. "Thank You Sir." I said. He smiled at me.
Then again this morning, when He was ready for work, He sat on the couch and I knelt at His feet, just because I wanted to be there. When He said He had to go I told Him I had been pretending not to notice the clock and He smiled and stroked my hair. I told Him I didn't want Him to go, that I needed Him and He stayed there and talked to me. He let me make Him come again, this time, without any slapping or growling, just softly jerking Him. Then He stayed with me even longer, knowing He was late. He touched my cheek, and played with my hair and told me He felt very close to me. I felt relieved. I didn't want to feel Him move away.
It was 40 minutes after He should have left for work that I finally worked up the courage to say that He should leave. He smiled at me very gently.
"I should have gone ages ago." He said softly.
"I know." I said, feeling a little guilty.
He raised my chin so I had to look up at Him. "But Sarah," He said looking straight at me, "sometimes, I need to be with you too."
So we are taking it slow, and I am being kinder and gentler on myself. I am trusting myself and doing what I want to do instead of trying to figure out what is right. I am trusting Mac to do the right thing by us instead. He is letting it happen as it happens, not trying to push it, but embracing what is offered to Him.
It's times like this I know we can face anything together.
Mac is not about to let me fall.