Kneeling before Him...
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Monday, January 16, 2006
Saturday night, I found myself standing at the door to Mac's study, shifting quietly from foot to foot. I was tense, nervous and I wasn't sure I should tell Him what I had to say, I had been keeping it a secret from Him for two days and I was feeling ill from not knowing what to do. I didn't want to disappoint Him too.
Mac noticed me there pretty quickly and He frowned at the look on my face. I think He had known something was wrong with me at least all of Saturday but in typical Mac fashion He figured I would come to Him when I was ready. He motioned for me to come into the room and I did, moving to my knees in front of Him.
"Hey baby," He said softly. "What's up?"
I looked up at Him. "My period is two days late." I whispered and stupidly, I started to cry. I hadn't wanted to tell Him. I kept waiting for my period to start. I thought if it just started, He wouldn't have His hopes up. But I really didn't want to do a pregnancy test without Him holding my hand so I had to tell Him. I guess the lows are as much a part of being a couple as the highs are. I saw the realisation dawn on His face.
"Oh babe. Are you?" He asked.
"I don't know." I said. "But I want to test it in the morning and I thought we should find out together."
"Yes." He said. "Ok."
And He told me to 'c'mere' and I climbed into His lap and He kissed my hair and asked me why I was crying. I tried to explain that I didn't want to disappoint Him but I felt that He should know and that I knew that if I wasn't pregnant, I would be letting Him down. He kissed me and held me tight and told me over and over that it was fine, if not this month, then the next one or the next, no rush, we have plenty of time. I knew all of this, of course I did, but I couldn't help but feel that this test had a pass and a fail and I was sure, like on other occasions when I had been late, I would take the test and my period would start as soon as my negative result was returned.
Saturday night I don't think either of us got much sleep. We both seemed to toss and turn, find each other in the bed and hold onto each other and touch and murmur and doze again. When I climbed out of bed at around 6.30am with a somewhat full bladder Mac sat up in the bed and looked at me.
"Now?" He said. He was dishevelled and obviously still very sleepy.
"Yeah," I said. "Least if we know we can get some sleep." I did my best to smile.
I went into the bathroom and followed the directions, muttering to myself about why they always give us such a small collection device. I put the little strip into the cup then took it out and laid it on some paper, then cleaned up and washed my hands and took the paper with me back into the bedroom.
Mac looked at me questioningly.
"It takes a couple of minutes," I said. But I looked as I put the paper down and I could see the control line colouring and I knew. I thought I should wait the right amount of time though, just in case it changed. I climbed back into our bed and I snuggled up real close to Mac. He held onto me tightly and I just breathed deeply, inhaling His scent for a minute before I had to tell Him.
Mac told me that He loved me. He loves me. And that no matter what we would be fine.
"Plenty of time." He whispered. "Plenty of time."
"I love You." I said and squeezed Him as tight as I could. Then I sat up and looked over at the test. I looked at Him and I started to cry. Mac frowned.
"We are going to have a baby." I said.
Mac stared at me. He just stared. I think He was even more in shock than I was.
"I am going to be a dad." He finally said. I nodded slowly at Him. He opened His arms and I went into them eagerly. "We are going to have a baby." He said. "We are going to have a baby and I am going to be a dad." He kissed me. I started giggling. "I am going to be a dad." He said again.
He turned me onto my back and slid down my body until He was level with my tummy. He ran His hand over it looking at my lower belly with amazed happiness. He kissed my tummy.
"We love you, child. Always will." He said. I cried again. He came up my body slowly, kissing me here and there until He was over me, kissing away my tears. "I love you, Sarah." He said. He touched me so tenderly. I cried some more. "Can I make love to you?" He asked softly and I nodded through my tears.
"I would like that very much." I said.
I don't think I stopped crying the whole way through, not even when I came. I know I cried harder when He did. He kissed me so many times and held me so gently, touched me so carefully that I couldn't help but feel like the most precious being on earth, the most loved person in the world. He didn't let go of me, didn't seem able to, even after we were done.
We lay there, all wrapped up in each other and talked about our baby, what happens next, how we want the nursery to look, things we can borrow versus things we want to buy new. We talked about Dr's and tests and who we should tell first and how neither of us really wanted to tell anyone right then. We wanted it to be our special secret for a while.
I grew tired in spite of all the excitement and Mac snuggled me into Him and whispered that He wanted me to sleep, that I needed it to help our baby grow. I smiled at Him, my big, rough, protective, rugby player, daddy-to-be. He played with my hair until I fell asleep.
When I woke a couple of hours later, I reached out for Mac but He wasn't there. I thought I could hear Him somewhere downstairs. I threw one of His shirts on and walked to the top of the stairs.
"Mac?" I called out.
"In the kitchen babe." He said. I heard something clatter. "It's ok, I have it all under control."
"What are You doing?" I asked praying that He wasn't cooking breakfast. It might take me all day to clean up after Him.
"Boiling water and ripping up sheets." He called back to me. "They always say that. Haven't a clue why, but they always shout boil the water and rip up the sheets." I started laughing and in moments I was crying again. Mac brought me up some tea.
God I love Him.
We are going to have a baby, a tiny little McBroden, one we made together, with love.
And I am going to be a Mum.
Hopefully I will have stopped crying in happiness by then.
P.S. I just remembered, we were sitting on the couch yesterday afternoon, all snuggled up and talking about babies and such when Mac suddenly pulled me up so He could look at me.
"Wait a minute," He said frowning and looking all serious, "how can I be sure you are the mother?"
I rolled my eyes and snuggled back up against Him while He chuckled to Himself.
I really do adore that Man.