As much as I would like to ask these things of Mac, it is hard for Him to hold me when He is in another country. It had to be done, He had to go. I can't be with Him. It's not the best place to be right now and the pregnancy means I can't be as selfish as I would like to be. I have to think of what the effects of illness would be on the baby as well as me.

Mac won't be home until the 8th of March, so I have made plans, booked us into a lovely bed and breakfast for 4 days. I thought that we would need that time to right ourselves. Being apart this long is surely going to affect us. I know some people do this separation thing for months at a time and that to some of you these two weeks would be nothing, but Mac and I are not some people. We are Mac and Sarah and we need to be together. We are both at our best when we are. Not just me, but both of us.

I am looking forward to the time we will spend together with nothing to do but make love and read and snuggle and eat. The only decisions that will have to be made will be where to eat dinner and I am planing on leaving all choices up to Him. I want Him to know He can have whatever He desires, especially from me.

As for now I am feeling pretty lost and alone. I crave control and ownership, direction, guidance and protection. I crave affection and love, passion and lust, companionship and laughter shared. I crave pain. I really crave being broken down. My defences are up so very high and so tight that I can't even explain it in detail here. I don't want to open myself up. I don't feel safe enough without Him here.

Perhaps that is what sums it up best.

I just don't feel safe enough without Him here.