Kneeling before Him...
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Monday, March 20, 2006
I have spent the last few days serving and servicing Mac. They have been very comfortable days for me. We have had many discussions about what I need and what we need and how it makes us feel. We have learnt much about each other, about ourselves and about us that we just hadn't realised before. It has been a very happy time, a very contented time and I have a feeling it is a time that is here to stay.
We have made some new rules, or at least Mac has made them. He listened to me when I explained what I was feeling and why I was feeling that way. He heard me and acted on what I said, not because I said it, but because He realised that there was an imbalance that needed to be addressed, my imbalance that needed to be addressed. Mac did it, for me.
I said before that I was feeling a little lost. There were things that used to be a part of our lives that just weren't a part of it anymore. We had stopped using the clips. We had not used the pen in a long time. Mac had not asked me to spend time kneeling and thinking of us. Before He went away I had been feeling unowned. Going away only made it worse. I felt very much like I was facing the world alone. I didn't think I could count on Him to be there for me. I know now that a lot of it was my incorrect perception, but at the time, it was what I saw.
When Mac came home, I found it hard to let go of the aloneness. I kept Him at a distance with a cold indifference to Him and at the same time tested His ownership with rudeness and disrespect. The coldness Mac is familiar with me using as a form of defence, but the rudeness and disrespect is something He has rarely had from me. He didn't understand it. I wasn't explaining it. He knew I was pushing for a reaction and He wasn't going to give me one just because I wanted to play some silly game with Him. He felt I was trying very hard to hurt myself by making Him leave. He decided to ignore my misbehaviour and that made me feel even more out of control. Our house was a very unhappy place.
It wasn't until I started talking, really talking, that Mac realised that there was more to it then He could see. I was not pushing Him away so much as trying to make Him take control of me. Funny thing is I don't know how many times I have told people that this is such the wrong way to go. Mac will never force me into submission. He will gladly accept it from me, but never make me give it unwillingly. But I needed Him to tell me to stop it. I needed Him to assert His dominance over me. He realised this when I told Him what was going on with me.
The first thing Mac did was very simple. He said "Sarah, all of the crap, and you know what I mean, it stops right now. There will be no more of it. You will be my good girl again." He suggested that I adopt a proper submissive pose on my knees and apologise for my rudeness and tell Him that I would be a good girl. I smirked and made a smartass reply about how it wouldn't be the same now that He had said it. He was not amused. Nor was He about to let me get away with that. His tone got deadly quiet when He told me that it was not a request and that I would do as I was told. I quickly knelt and obeyed. I had asked for this. It was for me.
That was enough for a start. Mac took some time to think about where He wanted us to be at and where I needed to be at and called me back to Him when He had decided what we needed to get there. For now, until He decides otherwise, I call Him Sir or Master. I no longer have use of the words 'I' or 'me'. I am now 'this one' or 'Your girl' or 'Master's slut' or any combination of those when I refer to myself. Mac did this for two reasons, because it is simple and because it reminds me of where I belong. I am not a single being anymore. We are a unit, a partnership, a family. He gets to be Master because I trust Him to be my protector and my guide. He is the one that leads us.
There are times when I forget and call myself 'I' or 'me'. There is no punishment for that. I correct myself as soon as I hear it, not because Mac demands it, He doesn't. He doesn't even pull me up when I do it. I correct it because I dislike it being wrong. There are still times when I call Him Love, or Lover, or Baby or Babe, Mac, or arrogant Prick usually followed by smartassed Bastard. As long as these things are said with affection and adoration, with love, Mac doesn't seem to mind. But for the most part, He is Master and I am this one.
There are also now times when I am expected to kneel. When Mac comes home from work He expects me to be waiting on my knees, head bowed, hands clasped, setting the tone for our evening, for our house. If I have already eaten because He is late, I will kneel at His side while He eats. When we move to the sitting room, I will kneel beside Him until He guides me to a chair. All of it is reinforcement of where I belong. It's where I have wanted to be for a while now.
Always when I need to kneel there is a battle inside of me. I am always afraid, even after all this time that Mac will see me as an ineffectual female, a weak and unworthy partner for Himself. The world still cries out that it is wrong for me to feel this way. I know that there are probably people out there reading this and thinking that of me. I don't mind right now. I don't mind at all because Mac has not just allowed this, He has asked it of me. He wants it too, for me. He wants the peace and calmness it brings into our home, into our lives. I have never known Him to be so deeply in love with me. I catch Him watching me and the love in His eyes takes my breath away. And I think it has stunned Mac too. He didn't expect it to have such an effect on Him. He didn't realise just how unhappy He was while I was having trouble finding my balance. It has filled Him with utter delight to see me find my balance in Him.
Of course, this doesn't mean either of us passes up a chance to be a smartass to the other. It would be wrong of us to take the laughter from our relationship. Mac could never be one of those stern and taciturn men that frown at the sass that comes from their one's mouths. He still encourages the sassiness in me.
The other night after I had suddenly come, causing Mac to come before He was quite ready to, He frowned and mentioned that He couldn't recall giving me permission to come.
"It was a little hard to ask with Your cock in my mouth." I murmured respectfully.
"Uh huh" Mac said in a tone that suggested He did not believe my excuse.
"Well, I did MEAN to take it out and ask, but I kind of forgot." I admitted.
"I shall have to punish you for that later." Mac said sternly.
"Promise?" I asked hopefully.
Mac laughed and pulled me into His arms. "Insolent slut." He whispered into my hair.
I giggled and kissed Him for a while.
And later when I asked permission to come, He said no. (God, how hot is that?)
This has taken me a long time to write, days actually. It is not always easy to put my fears, my mistakes, our life out here for you all to see. It is not always easy to say that Mac and I are only human, not perfect people in a love story written for the world to enjoy. But then I figure that those of you that come back time and time again come here because we are only human and we sometimes get it wrong. We are just learning along with the rest of you out there.
We are just lucky that we have each other to learn with.
I love Him more than I can say.