Kneeling before Him...
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Sunday, March 26, 2006
Nothing ever goes completely smoothly. I don't think life is supposed to be flat, but sometimes I make things very difficult for myself. I have said this before and I will say it again, submission is always easy when He gives you want you want. The hard part is when you don't agree.
This is what happened here on Friday. We did not agree. Mac said no and for the life of me, I thought the answer should be yes. I wanted the answer to be yes. I planned on the answer being yes. And when it was no I was stunned. How on earth could He say no? I did not understand it and questioned Him on it. He explained patiently. I still didn't understand. He said that it was ok that I did't get it. I could ask all the questions I wanted. He would try and explain it better to me. But it wasn't really about understanding, not for me, it was about getting my own way.
When Mac tried to explain better why He was saying no, I was trying my best to make Him understand why He should say yes. He tolerated it for a little while, but when it changed from me trying to put forward my case to whining about not getting my own way, He had enough.
"Right." He said. "I have made a decision and you will not like it. I have decided that if you are going to piss and fucking moan every single time I say "no" there's no future in it and you may as well have your own choice again. So, enough. Understand?"
I was still miffed about not getting my way. "Well," I said. "If that is the way You feel about it there is nothing more to be said."
"Yes there is one thing." He said and His voice had that awful calmness to it, the one that usually precedes a storm. "Two words. First one is "yes". Second one is "Master".
And I knew I had gotten myself in deep. I knew that He was bordering on being angry with me. I knew it was because I had pushed when I shouldn't have. I can't just stomp my foot and expect to get my own way. It just doesn't work like that. I looked at Him knowing He was waiting for me to capitulate.
I looked straight at Him. "You don't have to call this one Master." I said.
Mac burst out laughing and I grinned at Him. Then I kissed His cheek and said "Yes Master."
"Insolent wench." He chuckled. We were friends again.
But He didn't change His no to a yes, and He told me I can expect more no's from now on. He isn't going to give me things just because I want them. He will always take care of my needs, but my wants will be tempered with ownership. I am not used to being told no. I have said here many times that I am a spoilt girl. I wasn't kidding. Very rarely do I not get what I want. This is going to be a struggle for me. I will keep testing Mac to see if He will hold fast and if He caves in, I will be very disappointed in Him. I expect Mac to be the rock. That is possibly unfair of me, but that is the way it is.
I trust Him to not give up on me.