Kneeling before Him...



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Saturday, April 01, 2006

I am rather terrible about answering questions in my comments. I always mean to, then something comes up and I don't get around to it. So because I have nothing to write about today, I am going to try and answer some recent questions all in one go.

First off, what happened with the relationship with Emma. Well, Emma and I are still the best of friends. Emma and Mac are still close friends too. But basically, Emma needed to find her own One to be with. Mac and I both love Emma, but she was always a part of our relationship, and although Mac and I both welcomed Emma whenever she had problems or needed a hand to hold, she wasn't first for us. It was something that Emma always knew and it was something she accepted, but everyone should be first for someone, and as time went on, Emma found herself needing more than Mac and I could give her. For a while, Emma would leave and come back, but that wasn't healthy for her or us, so we all decided it would be best if we just remained friends and we meant it. Emma still visits, we still go out together and she is almost as excited about our baby as Mac and I are. She is still a beautiful part of my life and I still love her dearly and on occasion I do lust her, but I love her so much that I would not hurt her by sleeping with her. So we never act on the lust. We stay friends. It can be done.

Some baby answers now. Mac and I have decided that we do not want to know the sex of the baby until the baby is born. It was a very easy decision. It felt right to both of us. I will probably use the baby's real first name on the blog, but it will depend on how comfortable we feel about it when it is time. I guess that's a maybe.

As for the baby's room, I probably won't post any pictures of it on the blog. I have professional reasons for not posting them.

The lipstick on the nipples thing is something that dates back to goodness only knows when. It is something whores used to do to darken their nipples. Mac of course, finds this extremely slutty and therefore extremely erotic. He is a simple man when it comes to what turns Him on.

The thing that Mac said no to that I wrote about last Sunday was not material. It was actually sexual. But it's not just sex He is making decisions about. I used to sneak out to the movies by myself every two weeks or so. I am not allowed to do that now. I have to ask and be prepared for a no answer as Mac doesn't like me sitting in the dark with the rabble. I admit to being a little worried on an occasion or two when the cinemas were particularly empty (there were three men four rows behind me) and when they are particularly full. Mac has said He will make time for the movies I really want to see and there will be others that I can see with friends. He doesn't want me going on my own anymore.

And finally (I think) the questions about the story. Do I see myself as both the woman and the man? In some ways, yes. I admit to being capable of self harm. I also admit to sometimes trying to destroy the things that make me happy. I seem to go through phases where I believe I am not worthy of such happiness and set out to tear it down. Mac is perfectly aware of this and at times will pull me back into line by reminding me that I do not chose when or if He leaves. That is His decision to make and He isn't going anywhere no matter how miserable and unattractive I attempt to make myself to Him.

With the husbands role I was trying to say that it isn't perfect, that something was already wrong before the man even came into it, but the husband was incapable of making anything better. So I guess I projected me into all three roles. The man: the part of me that takes grim satisfaction in destroying things that are perfect for me, the woman: the part of me that has to be punished by the destruction, and the husband: the weak part of me that is already hurting but is incapable of stopping me doing more damage.

Either that or I have been reading too many of Mr. Patterson's novels.

That's all the questions I can remember of late. If anyone asked another I didn't answer and you still want to know, please ask again. If anyone has another question they want to ask, I will try to answer it faster than it took to get around to these.

Also I should do an update on the baby. We have heard a heartbeat, swish-swash, swish-swashy thing it was too. And fast, that little heart beats so quickly. It scared me at first to hear it race along. The doctor said that it was perfectly normal so I don't need to worry about that. I also get these feelings down low in my belly, like a butterfly is tickling the inside of me with the very tips of its wings. My mother says it is too early to be feeling the baby move. (I am almost 15 weeks.) My sister says not to listen to my mum too much as her last pregnancy was 28 years ago. I think it could be the baby moving, it certainly doesn't feel like anything I have ever felt before.

I have a definite bump now, something that Mac and I are quite proud of. I am comfortable with it so far, no negative body images yet. I actually like being pregnant even more now than I did at first and I liked it a lot from the start. Right now I feel more settled, calmer about it all, but I am sure there are more anxious times to come. It's still hard to believe there is a little tiny human being growing inside of me. It can be a little overwhelming at times, even if it is overwhelming in a good way. Mac is there for me when I feel that way.

It's good to know that He is always there for me. I am feeling very safe right now.

Posted by Sarah McBroden at 9:43 am

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