Kneeling before Him...
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Wednesday, April 19, 2006
I have had a rough couple of days and I am not sure they are over yet. I am pretty sure I am doing it to myself and I am not sure why. I hate myself, but I am unaware of why this self hatred is so strong right now. I am punishing myself severely and I am not sure what my crime was or is.
Of course, I am using Mac as my main source of punishment, pushing Him until He snaps. Two days in a row I have gotten Mac to a point where He is totally pissed off at me, then I have bowed my head and apologised, yet right now, I can't promise that I won't do it again.
Yesterday was the worst day. I made it the worst for me. Mac and I had argued the night before, on our way to bed and I had apologised for the way I had spoken to Him. It was completely uncalled for. I was feeling angry and frustrated and I lashed out at Him for no reason. He had let it pass and waited for me to come back to myself and apologise. He warned me then that I should be careful when He seems to be at His calmest and quietest. I know that. Mac rarely raises His voice. He doesn't need to. His calmness can be quite disarming. He can effectively remind me who I am with a look.
So we went to bed, friends but not really where we should be. I was still feeling out of sorts, and Mac admitted to me last night that He was not feeling very affectionate towards me. I can hardly blame Him for that. I was an utter bitch to Him. We slept.
When I woke, Mac was already awake. He was over me, whispering nasty names into my ear. Fuckwhore, cockslut, bitch, cunt, and other such names said with an edge to His voice that made me wonder if He really meant it. He sounded almost like He was disgusted in me. Maybe that was just my self loathing coming through but for a moment, I couldn't react. I was just stunned into silence. My heart felt like it had been run through. Mac hesitated, looked at me, asked me a question that was something like "are you ok?" and I realised that it wasn't punishment, and I answered something along the lines that I was with Him. Then Mac used me.
He fucked me hard, with His fingers, with His cock, and with His tongue. He turned me when He wanted me turned and He shoved His cock into me wherever He wanted it to be. I was hardly there. I was just a hole. There was no affection. There was no love. He used me like a whore.
I was achingly aroused. The muscles of my vagina were contracting so hard it hurt. I was also a complete and utter wreck. I screamed and moaned, grunted and sobbed. I cried, real tears, I felt real pain, not because of what He was doing, but because I believed I deserved it. It wasn't sex. It was punishment even if it was not intended as such. I had taken it upon me to punish me.
I couldn't reach orgasm. I just couldn't let go. I was so close, so very close when Mac came. I could hear Him grunting, feel His cock spilling inside me and my fingers were frantically rubbing my clitoris. I so desperately wanted to come too. I wanted it to be finished, I wanted Him to hold me and tell me it was all right. I begged Him to let me come, even though He had already said that I could, told me to, in fact. I begged Him, but Mac had already lost interest. He had come. He was finished. I started to sob again in frustration and Mac said that I could "try again later". I lost it completely and gave up. I lay on the bed, feeling ever so hurt and alone and Mac got up and showered and dressed and left for the office, stopping in briefly to kiss me goodbye. I hardly bothered to return the kiss.
I spent the day avoiding Mac. It wasn't hard. I just made sure I was too busy to be around if He called or if He came home early. I didn't want to talk to Him. There was nothing that I could have said that would have improved the situation. I didn't want to talk, I wanted to strike out at Him again, I wanted to make Him hurt me. I stayed away from Him for as long as I could so that I wouldn't do that again. I had dinner at my sister's house knowing that Mac had planned to have dinner at the office and I didn't come home until it was bed time.
Of course it didn't stop me. I struck out at Him almost as soon as I got home. Mac was in His study finishing off some work while waiting for me. I might not have said anything to Him, only He asked why I thought I had not been able to come, as it had been obvious that I was very aroused. I made it sound like I blamed Him, when I didn't really. He got a little defensive, I got a lot defensive, it went completely downhill from there until I announced with a stomp of the foot that I was going to bed. I expected Him to stop me. Instead He just said "Night" and turned away from me.
There was little I could do but go to bed. So I did all the things I do before bed, still hoping that He would come and find me and want to talk. He didn't though. I stood in the bedroom beside the bed and knew I had to go back to His study and talk to Him. I wasn't going to sleep unless I did. I went back to Him.
He wasn't about to give me an inch. When I asked Him if we could talk, He made it perfectly clear that I was disturbing His work then asked what we needed to talk about. I didn't know what to say. How do you tell someone everything you are feeling when you can't make sense of it yourself? How do you explain your behaviour when you don't understand why you are doing the things you do? How do you apologise when you know that you are going to do it to yourself again and again? How can you be sorry when you know it isn't over? I knew it wasn't over. I am still filled with a self loathing. I am still very capable of hurting me.
There was nothing that I said to Mac that He wasn't aware of. There was nothing I had done that He didn't know I was capable of. He listened to me, and pointed out a truth or two I had overlooked. He admitted that He was not feeling very affectionate towards me, and that He had felt little affection that morning, that it had been just sex, but that is all it had been, sex, not punishment. Mac had not treated me any differently to how He has treated me many times before. He had just done what usually makes me come shudderingly hard, only it hadn't worked. That was not His fault, I knew that. I knew that it was my doing, not His. I told Him it was entirely my fault. He said that He didn't agree, but that there were some things I needed to do. He asked if I wanted to know what they were. I said I did. He looked at me.
"You need to shut up fucking whining. You need to start to remember who I am. You need to start to realise what our relationship is about. And you need to stop trying to piss me off like a sullen little girl."
I hesitated. There was so much I wanted to say. But I knew how far I could push it and I had already surpassed it by a mile. "Yes Master." I said hiding behind my hair.
"That was about the only reply you could have given, without pissing me off MIGHTILY." He said. I almost smiled. I had gotten something right. "Now you will go and kneel beside the bed and think about how you prefer to be with a Male who will love you and take care of you, but who will not take any fucking crap. Or at least, any MORE fucking crap."
"Yes Master." I said again.
"Go on." He said.
I went to walk out of the room, then stopped, and turned back to Him. "Master? Then can this one go to bed?" I asked.
He looked at me for a moment. "Yes." He said. "And I will come with you. I think you will sleep better now you have been reminded of your place."
I did smile.
I would like to say that it has fixed everything, but I know it hasn't and I think Mac knows it to. We both slept in this morning so with rushing around trying to get Mac out the door there was little time to work out where things stand with us. I won't know how we will interact until this evening. I am hoping that it won't be with the tension that has been there for a week. I hope we can find some time to remember that we do love each other fiercely.
I miss being in love like that.
I think Mac misses it too.